The Battle of the Bulge...Continues...Sigh.
If you have been reading my blog you know that according to my primary physician is that I am considered obese. My size 12 is considered obese and I was referred to a weight management clinic per my new insurance. What a great ego booster that was...NOT! But, I am finally acknowledging that doing the things that I need to do to keep healthy for my family has in fact made me gain weight. And now I am finally acknowledging not only to myself but finally to my husband that my self esteem has suffered due to the extra weight, to stay healthy or not.
Ok. Since my May visit to the weight management clinic I have been watching my carbs. I have been living off of Atkins bars, trying to walk at least 10,000 steps daily (well, I try when my MS symptoms are holding me back). I've been trying, the scale...not moving. Another mental crusher is a few days ago my hubby steps onto the scale to prove that "the scales are wrong". Now, he states his weight out loud and to my dismay I weigh only 15 pounds less than my husband. Ofcourse, this happened on my birthday, so happy birthday to me as I cried at this fact.
After a stern talking to from my husband, I had to admit that I am mentally taxed at the weight issues that I have been having. I know that I can refuse many of the medications that cause the weight gain, but I am afraid to do that. I look at the friends of my mother who have all refused the medications for MS symptoms and flare ups and they are all in wheelchairs. And though I know what refusing medications will do to my health, I am still resentful and at times put my health at risk so I don't have to go to the doctor and step on the scale. How crazy is that? I have even gotten to the point as to refuse to step on the scale because I hate the number.
Words speak volumes. So yes I get tired of when I hear my mother tell me that all you need to do is lose about 10lbs. I KNOW that, and don't you think that I am trying. I am coming to grips with the fact that years of steroid use has altered my metabolic rate. And yes, the fact that I am over 40 doesn't help either. All I can do is what I am doing. But, I am finding out that I have to change my thinking and change my attitude. Maybe that's the key in losing. Maybe my negative thinking and negative self thoughts is actually keeping the weight on me. I think that it is. Now...all I have to do is undo the negative thinking and feelings of the past six years, and realize that this is going to be an uphill battle. An uphill battle that some days I feel like I can conquer and other days, when I feel that it is defeating me. But I can tell you one thing. If I have to eat another Atkins Bar I may throw up. Just saying.
This obsession with the Battle of the Bulge I admit is controlling my life. I rarely take pics. (Hubby took this pic recently while we were celebrating my daughter's 10th birthday). My hubby states that I am missing my "swag" of years ago. And to tell the truth, he is right. I have got to turn my thinking around and realize that I am beautiful, that I am worthy. That I really do need to get my "swag" back, my confidence. Admitting that you have a problem is always the first step. So...Hi...my name is Carla and I suffer from low self esteem. I don't feel good about myself and I have gotten too caught up in the hype of looking like I used to look. I think I'm too fat and too sick, and I beat myself up mentally everyday. I am constantly battling the bulge and I have MS and I want my confidence back.
