You Are So Strong
"Carla, you are so strong!" I smile and say thank you, but I always question, how am I strong? If anyone knows me, I was and never have been the healthiest person. I was the child always in and out hospitals. Doctors running test after test, not knowing my condition, and telling my mother to pray. Even then I can remember nurses speaking in hushed tones how strong I was. I didn't get it then and now that I am grown, I still don't understand it now. Am I strong because I am still here after being sick all of my childhood? Or being sick basically all of my adulthood? If that is being strong, well then, that pretty much sucks.
I have to mention that I get this a lot and maybe others of us who have MS or any other of the wide variety of chronic diseases have heard. You are strong. This is a compliment that is nice, but not deserving. Any given day, at any given minute I do not feel strong. At any given time I feel weak, scared, ready to give up. I am working on what hand I have been dealt. I have MS, I don't consider myself strong, just living.
When I think of strong I think of our last tragedy in Boston. Strong is the survivors of the Boston bombing. The families who lost a family member.The survivors who have to be strong and carry on to a new life with artificial limbs. To me they are strong. Strong is the Newtown parents speaking to Congress regarding gun control, using their grief to strengthen them. To me, they are strong.
I guess, when you look at strength, or being strong looks different on the outside looking in. I am quite sure in the scenarios that I mentioned that they do not feel strong all day, everyday. Strong is such a powerful word that I feel like a fraud to accept this compliment. I do not feel strong. I feel scared. I feel afraid. I feel weak. I feel, at times, like giving up. But, each morning, God wakes me up, so he woke me up for a reason. My father used to tell me that each day you are either living a little or dying a little, it is up to you to make a choice each day what you are doing. Are you living or are you just dying? So, today I am living. I am making memories. I am loving. I am laughing, and today....I feel strong.
