Home Bound But Heart Is Open

Home Bound But Heart Is Open

There is a saying about the beginning of things, like Spring can come roaring in like a lion and leaving out like a lamb. But this saying comes to mind when life and life events happen. This saying is the only thing that comes to mind when I think of the beginning of 2013.  With the personal issues, stressors and passings of loved ones and friends, I am praying that  2013 will go out like a lamb because it is starting with a roar.  

My husband recently lost a classmate, and this got me to thinking.  To see a beautiful, young woman lose her life at 42 years is heartbreaking.  I looked at what all she accomplished, all who she had touched and all that she had left behind.  But, I looked at her and was not only saddened by the loss but realizing that one cannot live isolated in a box.  I call this my Oprah moment, or my "Aha"  moment that life is about building and continuing friendships, reaching out to others, and just being there for others.  So, though I NEVER make New Years Resolutions, my husband and I took stock in our lives and realized that we have to do better, be better and be present in other lives. 

I have now faced the fact that I am essentially home bound.  I am not saying this for sympathy, I am just stating a fact.  My home bound is in the sense that I go some places, i.e. some stores, library with my kids, church, but all these activities take place during the day.  I want to reinforce my circle of people, of friends, but it comes with a catch.  My catch is that by the end of the day, by evening my MS exhaustion is at a peak.  Now, all I have to do is figure out how to expand my circle, strengthen my relationships when EVERYTHING is always scheduled for later on the evenings i.e. 7PM and later.  

So, though I know that I will not be able to make many, or any of these functions, the solution is to open my home.  I may be home bound, but my heart is open to increasing my circle.  I feel like I have been in a fog for so long and it is finally lifting.  I hope that my friends reading this will know that they will soon be getting phone calls.  Please pick up and please come by and see me.  I may be essentially home bound, but my heart is open. 

I'm Going, I'm Going, I'm Going...I Can't...I'm So Tired!

I'm Going, I'm Going, I'm Going...I Can't...

I'm So Tired!

One thing that I hate about multiple sclerosis is the unpredictability of it all.  I hate not being able to schedule fun activities, or plan activities and not being able to follow through with the plans due to my illness.  MS has robbed me of this ability to do this.  MS has robbed and is robbing me of expanding my social network and having some much needed female, friend companionship.  

I cannot tell you how much I hate MS.  There is a wonderful sisterhood group that I am a part of.  It just started in November.  There was no group this past December, and the next scheduled one is in January.  I was so hoping to be able to go this Friday, January 18.  I had great hopes and expectations. But, to no avail, I woke up today with achy feet, dizziness and crippling fatigue.   And today, I cried. I cried because I had made plans. I cried because I had expectations. I cried because I was looking forward to seeing my sisters, my friends,  my sorors.  I cried because I hate disappointing not only myself, but others. I cried for the loss of really living, of really experiencing things or planning things.  I cry because MS is a real son of a bitch.  

So, as I close this out, I am a little down, a little weepy, a lot disappointed. I want my sisters in my monthly group to know that I love them, I cherish them, I miss them and I need them.  The mind is willing, but the body is weak.  So, if you know someone who has MS, please don't think because the person hasn't been to your functions, or doesn't have the energy to talk forever on the phone, or at times seems isolated to you or to other friends.  Please know that that person is alway there.  That person is wanting, wishing and desiring to be the life of the party, the belle of the ball, but, MS won't let us be.  Please don't forget about us.  Please know we are still here.  But know, that by 8pm, we are in bed.  

Adieu

Anxiety!? Panic Attack!?

When Normal Isn't Normal

Anxiety is something that I feel is rarely discussed when dealing with symptoms of multiple sclerosis.  I found this out when I switched doctors due to a new insurance carrier and they refused to give me my very low dose of lorazepam that I had been using on an as needed basis.  My new doctor went into the whole lecture that the meds were addictive and that they wanted patients off of benzos.  Well, that is all well and good...that is until you are overcome with anxiety which increases to a full blown panic attack.

This panic attack and ensuing calls by my hubby to my new primary doctor and also a call to my primary doctor from my previous neurologist convinced her that due to MS, these medications were to be taken on an as needed basis.  This is why I implore doctors to review your new patients medical record and do not change or refuse to refill medications without speaking to the patient and to previous doctors.  Also, I implore that primary doctors need to be more familiar regarding the added scripts needed for people with multiple sclerosis.  To the average lay person it may seem superfulous, but, it was given for a reason.

There are many reasons for anxiety with MS. MS is a recurring disease.  It can go into remission or you can have relapses frequently.  For me, MS is proving to be a progressive disease that has steadily reduced my abilities.  And for me, the disease predictability is low.  I have great things that I want to do and unfortunately cannot plan to do based on the unpredictability of this disease. The unpredictablity of this disease means on any day, at any moment, MS can rear it's ugly head. And, unfortunately does. This unpredictability of MS is a cause for significant anxiety.  For many  MS patients their MS is predictable, in my situation, my MS is VERY unpredictable, hence this is a significant cause of my anxiety.

Another reason for ongoing anxiety is the presence of a new symptom, or coming down with an illness. The thought of being sick with another illness in which I know will exacerbate any of my symptoms really increases my levels of anxiety. Due to dealing with my anxiety, yes I still at times will take a pill, but with this new year I am focusing more on more positive, natural ways of dealing with my anxiety.  I am using yoga, and starting meditation. Though I don't think that meditation should be as hard as I am making it.  I will just wait for my Deepak Chopra meditation tapes to be guided through meditation. 

 

Here are some ways that I have found that are really helpful in dealing with anxiety.

• Chamomile tea
• Deepak Chopra and his 21-Day Meditation Challenge.  https://www.chopracentermeditation.com/Bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=172
• Yoga for relaxation and stress release. Try these Yoga DVDs'.   This is one that I have been using: http://www.collagevideo.com/workout-
•  If you need to talk to someone, you can go to http://www.liveperson.com/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=CPC&utm_term=liveperson&utm_content=7062007458&utm_campaign=AdGroup&Network=Search&SiteTarget=&keywordid=102144&_kk=3f3b3ba2-9940-4eee-871b-3053f7270e80&_kt=7062007458&gclid=CKKTh9zx27QCFQioPAodbzsASg.    This is a great site with great professionals who do talk therapy over the phone, through email, or by Skype.
• If all else fails, please contact your neurologist regarding your anxiety and remember that you are not alone in this fight.