To Cane or Not to Cane

Yes, I knew I was suffering with many relapses stemming from my MS.  And yes I knew that my balance was off, I had fallen a couple of times, but a cane didn't come into my conscious thinking, except once.  My mother, son and I were shopping and my mother suggested me getting a cane.  My son broke down and cried saying that I could hold onto him.  He would help me walk, he would be my cane.  Well, that nixed the cane. Well, at least at that moment.

I was having yet another relapse, sitting in my neurologist office getting the okay to have the intravenous solumedrol yet again, and in tears.  My doctor did all the standard test for vision, balance etc and with my balance off, vision off and my tears, he looked at my husband and bellowed, "Why doesn't she have a cane?"  My husband took one look at me and said the silliness and vanity were over and a cane I would get.  I was so sick and tired with no fight, all I could do was agree.  

The one big hurdling block was me telling my son.  I needed to understand the reason why my son was so adamantly against canes.  Later that evening I had to have a real heart to heart with my son.  I told him that my doctor said that I needed a cane so I wouldn't hurt myself.  His eyes filled with tears just wailing that he didn't want me to have a cane.  He cried, and cried as I held him asking him why.  He finally admitted that he was afraid I would be like his Pop Pop and be taken away.  I was confused so I asked him to explain.  He went on to tell me that Pop Pop was sick and started to use a cane, then he was gone.  He said he knew that I was sick, no I needed a cane, and he thought I would be gone to be with Pop Pop.

It all fell into place.

I talked to my son hours that evening that Mommy's fight was coming back.  And I assured him that if I tried to pass away that Pop Pop would meet me at the gate and tell me to go back and take care of his grand babies.  I told him that doctor's orders say cane and we would make a game out of it.  I told him if I had to use a cane, I, ofcourse had to be fashionable. So I needed them to match my outfits.  So he recruited his sister Kelsey, called Nana, and we were off cane shopping. Now, I have canes in all colors and styles.  Vanity still prevails. 

Am I happy I need a cane? No, ofcourse not.  But, do I need it? Ofcourse I do.  MS brings about a lot of changes, mental and physical.  Some vanity does go out the window. Am I happy with all the changes, no.  But they are my normal. 

Curly or Straight

Okay, this may not be a big issue for men, or some women, but, this is an issue for me.  Do I look better with curly or straight hair.  See, for years I got a perm twice a year to straighten my hair.  But after getting sicker and sicker, and my body being pumped with seriously dangerous and toxic medications I decided I ought not add to the mayhem and go natural.  Now, that being said, curly or straight.  My hubby is all for the straight, sleek and smooth.  Now, for people who don't understand, when having natural hair a straight, sleek and smooth look is by using a straightening comb and flat iron.  It sounds easy, but doing it yourself, not so much.  

Now, the curly look for me is easier.  I have a VERY difficult time in doing my own hair and hate bothering my sister in law who is an expert, so curly it is.  Curly just means I wash, oil, braid and roll. Voila! Curly do.  Now, here's the ruse.  My family is torn between curly and straight.  Like I said, hubby likes it sleek and straight so people can see the length of my hair.  My daughter says I look younger with the curly do, and my son, God bless him, whatever Mom does is cool.  

Well, anybody with natural hair knows it is much easier to have smooth, sleek, straight hair in autumn and winter.  You know why? Little or no humidity!  What I can't get through to my hubby is that keeping my hair sleek and smooth is REALLY difficult and I am afraid that keeping constant daily heat is not healthy for my hair and is damaging.  But, he still likes it straight.  But, today, it's curly.

See, MS is serious, but I can still focus on totally vain things, like hair.  Well, to make my hubby happy, I will call my sister in law, who works her magic and get my hair "done".  Then I will struggle to keep it straight and hopefully get some tips from her to at least keep it to a low roar. Wish me luck.  But, what do you think...curly or straight?

I Miss My Daddy

I was diagnosed with MS September of 2003.  I was able to continue to work with a few exacerbations, or relapses here and there.  An exacerbation is when your MS symptoms increase to a crippling stage.  This is when the oral prednisone comes in and the health care nurse comes to your house for what I call the "pit drip".  But, through the exacerbations or relapses I was still able to work and even excel at work.  I was the typical Type A personality. I was working, taking care of home, I felt like Super Mom.  Then, things changed. 

The year was 2006.  My health was going more down than up, but I was still functioning.  I was still working, I was having more relapses or exacerbations, but functioning. This all changed in March 2006.  We all noticed that my father was just not right, just not himself.  Yeah, he was still being Pop Pop doing all, being in all places all the time.  But, something was wrong.  He had a hacking, whet cough, he was losing weight, he was tired all the time. Just not...Daddy.  

We knew Daddy was really sick when he finally stated that he needed to be in someones hospital.  Mom took action.  That's when our lives began to change. Daddy was hospitalized, test ran and on April 29, 2006 the diagnosis came that he had terminal lung cancer. My whole world felt like it was spinning, collapsing, coming to an end. My foundation was broken.  My everything was leaving me, and it couldn't be stopped.  

I admit, I couldn't handle the diagnosis.  My exacerbations increased.  I was spending more time with home health nurses and taking prednisone than going to work.  My neurologist finally signed me out of work and my FMLA was approved.  But, Daddy got sicker, and so did my spirit and my will to fight MS. I didn't care anymore. 

Little did I know how little time we would have left with Daddy.  He was diagnosed in April 2006, and God took him home August 2006, just four months later.  My world had collapsed.  My Daddy was gone.  I know people say you go through the stages of grief and loss by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, but I didn't.  I wasn't angry, I didn't bargain. I was just so sad, so depressed.  My MS took a turn for the worse, and I let it.  In my grief induced haze, I didn't want to be here.  In my grief, I figured my kids would be okay without me and my wish was just to be with my Daddy.  I didn't fight MS anymore, and MS became rampant.  I was have relapses once every three months.  Once every three months I was taking oral prednisone and on the IV for solumedrol.  I didn't care. It was easier to be gone than to be here and deal with the pain.  My MS diagnosis progressed from relapsing-remitting to secondary progressive. This is one stage down from the final stage of MS. But, I didn't care. I just missed my Daddy.

Yes, I prayed many nights not to wake up, and prayed that my children wouldn't be the ones who found me gone.  But, obviously, I still have things to do, things to say, children to raise. God refused to let me be selfish.  After five years, almost six years since Daddy has been gone, the relapses come maybe twice a year.  They are more controlled. The damage is permanent. My stage now is acceptance.  Acceptance that we have a new normal, acceptance that my Daddy isn't coming back, acceptance that my work here is not done, acceptance that the damage of my MS is permanent, the acceptance that I am not able to work, the acceptance that I am disabled.  But, acceptance, now that's something that comes in stages, and is still hard even today.  Will I ever get used to my new normal, no. But...I don't have a choice.