'Twas The Night Before JESUS Was Born!

Twas The Night Before Jesus Came'

written by Unknown Author

'Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care

In hopes that Jesus would not come there.

 The children were dressing to crawl into bed.

Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.
When out of the East there arose such a clatter.
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray
I knew in a moment this must be THE DAY!
The light of His face made me cover my head
It was Jesus! returning just like He had said.
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.
In the Book of Life which He held in His hand
Was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said "it's not here" my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love
He gathered to take to His Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound.
While all the rest were left standing around.
I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and thus sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There's only one life and when comes the last call
We'll find that the Bible was true after all! 

Remember...JESUS Is The Reason For The Season. May God Bless You All And Good Night!

Sex Does A Body 

Good

Sex...okay now that I have your attention I am going to just touch on a couple of ways that sex is not only for your body, but it's good for the soul.  One shouldn't be amazed that something that was created for good and feels good would have so many mental and physical benefits. 

Having sex regularly with your partner not only brings you closer, this is closeness and intimacy bleeds into your daily dealings with your partner, thus, benefit number one, is reducing of stress.  Research shows that having sex once or twice weekly can reduce stress enabling you to be a better and happier employee. This is because when we have sex it releases endorphins and oxytocin. These are feel good hormones which gives you that feeling of relaxation.  These endorphins and oxytocin also have another benefit.  These good feeling hormones stave off and or decrease levels of depression and anxiety.  

For people with a chronic illness, sleep is a necessity.  Sex on a regular basis, doctors state at least twice weekly, more is ofcourse better, aid in sounder sleep.  The same hormones that destress you are the same hormones that prep you for sleep.  Now ofcourse, if you have a very rousing round of sex, it will take you longer to go to sleep due to the body's need to come back to calmer levels.

Pain. Pain is something that I with MS and others with chronic illness contend with daily.  The endorphins that are released during orgasm closely mimic that of morpheine.  And what is morpheine? Morpheine is a narcotic pain reliever.  The orgasmic endorphins mimic morpheine, thus releasing pain for a certain period of time after. 

Also, people with chronic illnesses take medication that is for their condition, but also suppresses their immune system.  A compromised immune system is a great place for nasty little colds that come around this time of the year. People who have sex were found to have higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobuliin A. So with regular sex, your immune system is a little stronger, thus aiding in reducing your incidences of catching colds or getting over them more quickly. It just gets better and better.

Did you know that having sex four time a week will make you  look younger?  Research showed that couples who had sex at least four time a week look on average 7-12 years younger than their actual age! Regular sex releases hormones of testosterone and estrogen which keep the body youthful and vital.  And not only does it help you look younger, regular sex does a body good by keeping it toned. It is one of the best cardio exercises that you can do, and you are sculpting your body as you squeeze and move during lovemaking.

I can go on and on about this subject because there are just so many benefits to having REGULAR sex the list is endless.  Yes, there may be many kinds of medications that you are on for your illness.  I know that myself I am a walking pharmacy, but one of the most pleasurable ways to aid in your overall health is good, regular sex. It really does a body good.  

Enjoy, as I will also.  

Thanksgiving.....Everyday!

Being Thankful Everyday

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day where millions of people were feasting on the traditional Thanksgiving Day dinner with family and friends and sometimes, stranger. This time of the year people think of the many things to be thankful for. But, I think that this is the time when we should be being thankful all the time.

Now I wonder why we think of being so thankful on Thanksgiving Day.  As I sit and think of all the many things to be grateful for as I sit in my  warm and loving home with plenty of food and family.  I am thinking of the people still effected by Hurricane Sandy. I am thinking of my friends whose loved ones didn't see this holiday season, I think of the homeless, the battered, the abused where abuse increases during the holiday season.  Yes, I am thankful, and you are thankful and need to be thankful everyday.

I am starting with my kids before we start the day to give thanks to the Lord for another blessed night and day and give one thing that they are thankful for.  I want my children to realize just how blessed they are.  They want for nothing, they have a loving family, and all the necessities. I want them to think of kids there age that go to bed with no bed, go to bed with not enough food, go home to an inadequate home, with barely the necessities.  Yes, I want them to be thankful everyday because at any time circumstances and predicaments can change.  

As I sat last night with pain in my legs and back, I was about to get down on myself and negative I stopped myself. I asked for forgiveness for these negative thoughts and start turning my thoughts to what I am thankful for.  Though I am in pain, I have insurance that covers the medicine to take the pain away.  Though my feet and legs hurt, praise God I still have feet and legs that function.  I immediately started giving thanks for my blessings, my children who are thriving and healthy and strong, a loving husband, a wonderful mother who is still living and healthy, those precious memories of those gone to Heaven,  time spent with  my brother and my niece, time spent with my friends, all the necessities and even better yet, extras, luxuries. So, there is no room for complaints in my life.  And if you think carefully enough, you will open your eyes and see that everyday we should be thankful, no matter how big or how small.  

So, I am thankful, so very thankful, but this thankfulness for my family and I will be daily. Just giving thanks daily.  I want my children to realize how blessed they are and to be grateful.  So, yes, Thanksgiving Day is wonderful, but giving thanks daily, now that is priceless.

Overcoming MS Through Diet!?!

Fair Warning

It's one thing to know that you have a chronic illness, and then there is another thing to know that you have not managed your illness and it could inevitably end your life.  This is what happened to me.  I was at my long standing neurologist and he informed me quite seriously that my body could not take another six years of numerous relapses that I have been having over the course of six years.  He looked at me and told me that at the rate I was going I would not see my 50th birthday! This is and was a very sobering thought, but one that I knew in the back of my mind all the time.  I knew that my body, and my will would not make it very long with my illness and I really hadn't tried to get a real grip of this disease, this multiple sclerosis.  Well, looking at my children, their young age, I want to be with them for more than just seven more years.  So...the hunt began as to how to tame this beast, this multiple sclerosis. 

I started trolling twitter for anything and anyone connected with MS.  I had been thinking about drastically changing my diet and going on the Swank Diet which is the only diet that I knew of for reducing the relapses of MS.  Well, on twitter, I found a wonderful website,www.overcomingmultiplesclerosis.org.  The things that I read on this website I knew, but wasn't doing.  I got in touch via twitter the man behind the website and the book, Professor George Jelinek.  This just might be a God send.  This time I am actually not only reading, but implementing things to better my health and to be here for my 50th birthday.  The good professor told me that it is all about the right supplements, the correct amount of rest, the correct exercises and the correct diet.  

Years ago when I probably had MS and didn't know it, I had a very strict diet and very strict exercise regime.  So, Professor Jelinek's diet and regime feels like a old comfortable companion who has missed me over the years.  This is my first week on my new regime. Though I am still weakened from my last relapse I try to get as close to 10,000 steps that I can, some days I manage only 5,000, but I am still recovering and giving myself a break.  When my I totally regain my strength I will start my more physical exercise regime, which will include cardio and yoga with my daughter.  Also, what I have never done and starting to learn is to meditate.  I did not realize how important it is to meditate, still your mind and your soul. This is imperative in healing and staying healthy.  And I am back to watching my saturated fats, which is not good for anyone, but especially a person with MS.  So, my saturated fats are 25 grams or less, no dairy, no processed meats or foods, good clean living and eating.  The whole process is to become vegan, and, well...I am going to have to work on that one.  I have given up red meat, and pork, I am slowly weaning out chicken and the last thing to be weaned out is fish.  But, I have increased my fresh fruits and fresh vegetables and watching my saturated fat.  To be honest, I do feel better, so this is enough for me to keep going and the fact that I HAVE to gain control over this disease. 

So, a change of diet and lifestyle is nothing compared to being able to live and be here happy and healthy for my family.  So, I am looking forward to eating healthy, living healthy and...being here to celebrate my 50th birthday and then some.  

Handling the Holidays!

Taking The Stress Out of 

The Holidays

Fast approaching is America's holiday season, kicking off with the beloved Thanksgiving.  There are visions of turkey and all the trimmings, decorating, and getting ready for, (if you celebrate), Christmas.  Though these are loved holidays, as a person with a chronic illness it smacks of stress and questions into "How in the heck am I going to be able to make it through the holidays?"  

It is a daunting task I have to admit.  Let's start with Thanksgiving and the cooking.  You have to realize like I did, or at least I am trying to do, is to find your limits.  This is the time you really do have to listen to your body or your body will betray you quickly before the season really starts off.  The Thanksgiving Day dinner is a big one.  Do you cook?  Where to go?  If you are cooking, ask for help. It's okay to ask for help or invite people over and encourage that they bring the sides if you are providing the house and the turkey. Use throw away plates, cups, cooking tins and plastic wear.  This sounds cheap, but if you are cooking and inviting people over it saves you the energy in having to wash all those cooking trays and dishes.  People, this is called self perseverance.   But it is always easier to go to someone else's home if you just can't summon up the energy to cook an entire meal.  If this is the case, I sure the person cooking would love if you bought a side.  

Right after Thanksgiving comes...Christmas and all that that entails.  And what that entails is ofcourse...shopping.  There are many of us who can walk, but only for a short while, or our energy levels quickly depletes, or many of us who are unable to walk and use scooters.  I love going to stores, but my energy and legs don't hold up well to these mega large stores and walking and standing in line and buying.  It is just too much.  I have found a friend in online shopping.  My first site, if you are interested in some websites I am going to list some of my favorites.  

First, did you know that you can shop and make money at the same time?  Well you can if you sign up first on www.ebates.com.  Then whenever you shop online, go to ebates first and type in your store of choice and you can earn a percentage from just buying through www.ebates.com.  Some of the best websites that I go to for gifts is 

• www.ebay.com
•  www.walmart.com
•  www.target.com
•  www.jcp.com
•  www.overstock.com
•  www.sears.com

There are many things to do to keep not only your sanity, but your health.  Don't overdo.  Place limits not only on yourself but your family.  Sometimes you will have to say no and its okay, and the world will not end.  Take your medication, take frequent breaks, ask for help and for quick gifts don't forget your local dollar stores like Family Dollar and Dollar General.  Holidays are a wonderful time for family and friends, but it is not a time to lose your health in the process.  

You Should Not Complain!

Putting Things In Perspective

It is so easy to sit and think of all things bad in your life.  Your car won't start, you are not feeling the best, you got into an argument, you didn't get the promotion or raise that you'd hope for, this list can go on and on.  I have been in my own little pity party for a couple of months due to a major relapse and was ticked off because I gained back ten of the pounds that I lost due to having to go back on steroids to calm down the relapse. Then I thought, how dare I complain! I have insurance, a beautiful family, and most importantly I have God.  I felt bad and ashamed at myself when I look at the destruction that Hurricane Sandy is still continuing to cause.  I sit here in my warm, dry home with food, clothing, shelter, heat and think of many of the people in Jersey who are without and I was washed over with shame. Shame for being so trite, so superficial, so shallow, ashamed to not be praising God daily of what blessings are around me and abundant.  

I read a little something a few years ago about you are blessed if you have things that we take for granted and that others do not have. Well, I found it and I hope that this makes you think and stop and realize what a abundant and blessed life that you have even in strife, illness, anger, you are still blessed than many, many people. I hope that this speaks to you as it spoke to me.

Blessed

Blessed

If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won’t survive the week.

If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.

If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back, a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world’s wealthy

If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare

If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.

If you can hold someone’s hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God’s healing touch.

If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.

You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.

When The Weather Matches Your Mood

When The Weather Matches Your Mood

Hurricane Sandy has come, not gone, but still lingering on.  Who would have thought that the places that got hit by a hurricane would actually get hit by a hurricane.  I always just thought that that was only for my relatives living in Florida, which I always considered a place to visit and not to live. But, Hurricane Sandy surprised us all.  As we recover, rebuild, you still have to admit that whatever your circumstance during the hurricane shapes your thoughts, your mood, your sleeping patterns and your tolerance levels.  Amazing what weather can do!

I do have to admit that before the storm was brewing, my mood pretty much sucked to be truthfully honest.  I am still clawing out of a relapse.  And though after mega doses of IV and oral steroids eased and took away the more pressing symptoms of relapse, there is no antidote, no pill, no treatment for getting over the main hurdle of being totally, mind numbing, body aching exhausted.  I keep hearing my husband, mother and friends tell me that they can see a positive change in me.  That I don't look quite as exhausted before, and all I can think of is telling them to just shut up and keep it moving.  

At times like this, at times like this, I just want it to be over.  I am tired of the doctors, I am definitely tired of the new insurance that I have to jump through hoops for, I am tired of being exhausted but the MS won't allow me to sleep, I am tired of hearing doctors give me steroids, then tell me that I am obese, I am tired of the constant pain, I am tired of monthly treatments and weigh ins, I am tired of hearing you need to do so much cardio, but no one takes into consideration that some days walking is a gift, not a given. I am tired of when I am feeling down, and have been for quite a while all the perky sayings are annoying.  You know what? How about allowing me to wallow a bit.  Oh yeah, I forgot, that makes people uncomfortable to be in on someone else's pain so they want to candy coat it.  Sorry, I cannot candy coat stuff anymore, I am tired. Just tired, tired, tired.  

So as I look outside to the debris in our yard, and in our front yard and on our street, I can empathize.  I feel like the chaoticness that is around me.  I see the rain and feel the clouds feel my pain and are crying for me and with me.  I would love for someone to validate me, actually hear my pain, maybe shed a tear with me.  I know to read the Bible, you do not have to remind me to do this.  I know God is healing me, will heal me, but guess what? I have felt like crap for going on two months.  Yes, God is seeing me through, but Lord, I need a break in such a big way it is not even funny.  

So my prayer is that, just hear me, just let me feel, just let me cry, just let me wallow for bit if you will. I am sorry I am not Sally Sunshine.  Today I am sad, today I hurt, today I feel guilt because I look at my kids and know they deserve more.  I hate questioning if they would be better off without me, but I know that is false and something that the devil wants me to think, so he can just kick rocks.  In other words, sometimes...just let me have my pity party.  Maybe if I was allowed to have one, or two, or three before, I may feel better today.  As for now....I am so tired, so tired, so, so tired. But, I have miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.

To Treat Or Not ToTreat

To Treat Or Not To Treat

To be truthfully honest dealing with a chronic illness on a daily basis is just plain hard.  I hate it.  There I have said it, and I beg anyone else to debate me otherwise.  Though I wake up everyday thankful to God for another day, I still do a body check to see what is working and what it not working.  Then, my day starts from there.  

Last month I was unable to take my treatment because I was in a full blown relapse.  And thankfully, I had a small round of steroids from my other neurologist beforehand so praise God I didn't end up in the hospital.  But, then again, I wish that maybe I had gone into the hospital.  I know, what you are thinking, what she wanted to go to the hospital? And, the answer would be, yes.  You see, I would have gotten much needed rest.  Even in relapse, I still have to run the house, my kids still need me to oversee their online schooling, I am still cooking meals, I am still being wifey, and I need a break. I get frustrated with the treatments, the going in monthly, the still having relapse just because the summer was too damn hot and muggy.  I am just tired.

I hear the voice of my father before he passed when I was complaining that the steroids that I routinely take for flare ups and outright relapses had caused me to gain weight.  In his terminal condition, he looked at me and said, "They make clothes your size don't they?"  And I answered back, "Yes." He looked my square in the eyes and said, "You do, and you take whatever you have to in order to take care of my grandkids because I don't know if I am going to be able to beat this thing."  This "thing" was lung cancer that took my Daddy's life in a short four months after diagnosis.  I have after that day took whatever medications the doctor have thrown at me, been on the most advanced treatment for my multiple scleorsis, but, I am just tired.

I have been reading self healing books of people who have MS and are on organic and natural diets.  Their diets are rich in leafy green vegetables, taking vitamin supplements like Kelp, CQ10, Vitamin B12 shots and liquid drops and it seems to be helping them tremendously.  What I am saying is that I am so tired of the daily regiment of medications. It's a sad state of affairs when your daughter looks at your dresser which is covered with medication bottles and states that I could open my own pharmacy.  It's a sad truth.  And to be truthfully honest, I am just tired.  I am tired of not really knowing what these medications will and are doing my body. I am tired of the new insurance that I have, the immense red tape that I have to go through to get a script.  I could just say, forget about it.  

Yes, I am tired.  Yes, I am considering seriously going off my medications that are currently keeping my MS supposedly at bay.  I am researching and will make a educated decision.  It has to be educated because if I made the decision now, it would be, I don't want the medication and I would stop.  I have started the pros and cons sheet for staying on the medication and going off the medication treatment.  I will continue to research a holistic way to handle my MS and its symptoms and keep in mind that although I hate steroids, they sure are a godsend when you can't see and can't walk.  There are pluses and minuses in everything that we do, but each step that you make must be educated, not on a whim, not being selfish in your thinking and not without a lot of prayer and again, lots of research and weighing the benefits.  So, as I sit tomorrow on the drip for two hours getting my treatment, I will be able to see both the pro and the con of taking this medication and I will take it from there.  Wish me luck in my quest to answer the question...To Treat Or Not To Treat....

God Speed.

When Steroids Bring Up Past Bulimia

When Steroids Bring Up Past Bulimia

I like many women, girls, young adults have dealt with eating issues.  My eating issues started some years ago in junior high, or middle school as it is called now.  The focus in my house was to get great grades, and, according to my perception, stay petite and cute to be a bit of a bragging banner for my mother.  Hence...the need to control not only what in my mouth, but what came out of my body. 

You see, my first recourse was not to throw up.  I couldn't really stand throwing up, so, I went for the next best thing. Or at least what I thought was the next best thing, laxatives. To this day just thinking of Correctol laxatives and seeing that pink box makes me physically ill.  You know why it makes me physically ill? Let's just say from the age of 12-26 I would go through a box of 90 Correctol laxatives in two days.  I would steal my mother's high blood pressure pills to act as a diuretic. Anything to keep me small, and petite.  My mother fought me on this when she found out, but I continued it.  It was kind of like, you control everything else in my life and you are not controlling this.  It wasn't until I was married and my husband found thirty boxes of Correctol under the bed, (my special hiding place), that I knew that I needed help.  Real help, and fast. Thank God for therapy.

I say all this because just because I have had the therapy and recognize the dangers and the long term damage that I have done to my body, those demons are still there.  And quite frankly, since I am on a steady regime of steroids, received mega doses of steroids over a three day period due to my relapse, I feel the old demons coming back to combat the side effects of the steroids which is...weight gain.  Again, it doesn't help that each and every time you go to the doctor's office you are stepping on a scale.  It doesn't help that even though you are looking and feeling pretty good about yourself your doctor still says that you have to lose weight because you are obese.  And, yes it is frustrating because these doctors who have you past history do not take the time to temper their comments or realize what harm that they are doing.  

So, what is a person to do?  I have to admit.  I have still tried to continue to diet, not a good idea with a compromised system.  I have utilized diuretics because steroids causes weight gain due to retaining fluid.  Steroids also constipates you.  So, hence not only was I dieting, but using diuretics and laxative teas.  I was thwarting my own progress because of vanity and the dread of stepping on the scale. Wow, just a sad state of affairs.

I know that I should be feeling better, but I also know that what I did in the meantime counteracted the steroids.  So, am I as far as I should be in my recovery from my relapse? No.  And it is my fault.  Though I am ashamed, I am honest.  I am now just eating correctly, not dieting, not using laxative teas, not using diuretics and you know what? I am starting to really fully feel the effects of my steroid regime.  Though, unfortunately, due to not doing what was correct in the beginning, I may be forced to go on another round of steroids.  This is the price you pay for vanity over you health.  This is a very dangerous avenue my friends and not one that you should go down.  Please consider this my cautionary tale for health and vanity.  I've got to better and I will do better.  Steroids are here to help me with my illness and what matters most is that I take this medication so I can be here and be functioning for my kids.  I am sad to say that I lost sight of that. I lost sight that my kids just want me here, able to move, laugh, talk, drive and just be mom.  So, Caleb and Kelsey, I am so sorry that my vanity and my past demons  popped up.  I will do what I have to do to be here, be a better mom, be a better person with MS.  And for all that vanity crap, it can kick rocks. 

Relapse and 'Roid Rage!

Relapse and 'Roid Rage

I'm back again after some health problems.  I am currently experiencing yet another MS relapse.  I do have to admit that I kind of saw this in the making.  I haven't quite been feeling well since the death of my 101 1/2 year old grandmother.  Then before, during and after that was us getting our house together for my other grandmother's 90th Birthday Celebration.  My brother wants me to learn to say no, but how do you say no to your grandmother who you love dearly and who specifically requested her "little picnic" be at your home!?!

Well, during the prep, the humidity was high, the work that needed to be done kept mounting.  My husband and kids were helpful, but there are just some things that only I could do, and only I could clean better, hence the problem.  With constantly working, constantly dealing with the immense heat and humidity, it just totally did me in. Now...I am dealing with a major relapse that, quite frankly, is taking me for quite a loop.

I have just finished my three day IV infusion of solumedrol, or high levels of steroids. We are talking about 1,000mg of steroids each day for three days.  I have enough steroids to light up Cleveland. Unfortunately...here comes the immense side effects of the steroids. Here comes the 'roid rage.

I feel so sorry for my family. They have to deal with me with intense irritability, intense levels of depression, increase levels of annoyance, and the list goes on.  Now, all I have to do is figure out how not to take this out on my family.  My only options is to quarantine myself in a room until some of the high levels of intense irritability goes away.  Again, I don't know when that will happen because there is a taper of oral steroids to continue with the problems that I am experiencing currently with the steroids.  

I look at this relapse and I don't feel bad because this relapse was done for the beautiful birthday of my grandmother.  I don't regret it, but, this relapse is lingering quite longer the rest and quite frankly I am getting a little bummed out.  Not at all helping with my current mental state.  MS, treatments and relapses are not fun.  But, I am thankful for feeling better.  Though, I feel bad right now for my family.  Sorry fam, I love you all so much, I am just a little crazy right now.  

Grandmother Pearl: A Life Well Lived.

A Life Well Lived

On August 9, 2012 my family and I said goodbye to our beloved grandmother.  I know many people have lost loved ones, but when it happens in your family it is still the hardest thing to comprehend.  My Grandmother, Mrs. Lou Pearl Edwards has been a mainstay in her local community of Wheeling, West Virginia.  See, the special thing about my grandmother is that she passed away at the wonderfully blessed age of 101 and a half years.  What a blessing.

Now, the question is what do we do now? This woman has been a mainstay in all of our lives.  She has always been there and with her increasing years and her longevity you get lulled into thinking her life would never end. But all good things have to come to an end.

My Grandmother lived through the Depression, she saw innovations, she buried an infant child, her parents, her husband, her siblings and even her youngest child, my father, Russell Edwards.  The question is how do you continue to live, to flourish when life hands you disappointments and sadness? My Grandmother despite trials and tribulations, my family will tell you she was love embodied.  She was spry, she was funny, she was full of love and full of kisses. I know I can speak for my family is that when you think of Grandmother Pearl she is...love, joy and happiness. 

After my father passed, I spoke a long time to my Grandmother. She wanted to know, to understand the disease that took her baby boy away.  I told her he was never in pain, and his soul was right with Jesus.  She said that that was all that mattered.  I told her I didn't know how I could go on without my Daddy and how to do that.  She told me to find joy in something everyday.  To kiss someone everyday. To never let a day go without being thankful.  Then I asked her how I could make it to her many years.  She smiled, leaned into me as if she was sharing the biggest secret in the world.  Her advice to me, eat a half cup of icecream after dinner to close your appetite in order to keep your girly figure.  And...have a nightcap each night to keep the blood flowing and your arteries clear.  Her chose of a nightcap....Scotch on the rocks.  

So Grandmother Pearl, here's to live well lived. You were loved and  are always in our thoughts, our hearts and our minds.  So, in honor to you Grandmother Pearl, I will have my icecream tonight to close off my appetite so I can keep my girly figure, and as I fix my Scotch on the rocks I will say "Cheers and I love you."  I hope you smile down on me as I pray that when I cross over I will hear the words that you heard, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Well done."

I love you Grandmother Pearl.  Kiss Daddy for me.

Staying Positive In Difficult Times.

Staying Positive In Difficult Times

One thing that anyone knows about me is that I love my family.  I love my husband, my children and my entire family and their happiness and contentment in life is my focus.  But when one of my family members is hurt, disappointment, angered, or wronged it hurts me to my soul and I try to fix the problem.  To fix a problem is what I like to do. I like to make things better for the people that I love.  I sit, and think and ponder on what actions or plans I could initiate to rectify the situation.  But, in today's society, there is something that I cannot go up against and win...that is the racist mind.  This is a terrible state that my family members and many other races deal with on a regular basis. But sometimes, you just get tired and need to vent, to sort out your feelings, then, with a refreshed mind, look to be positive and continue to strive toward excellence.

Yes, I know, you are probably thinking that me stating that someone that my family is working with is racist is a copout and that this term is being so overused.  And that is true. But, look at the facts. When your family member is professional, ethical, graduate level degreed twice over, years of experience and STILL gets passed over for advancement, left out, buried under foolishness, its just damn hard being and staying positive.  But, I try and I am going to continue to try. I don't have any choice.  Unfortunately, this is what life is about, at least this life.   I will let God handle things, because Lord knows what would happen if I was left to my own accord.  I know two wrongs don't make things right, but sometimes, just sometimes, sticking it back to that person would feel oh so good.  Oh, excuse me.  I went off on a tangent. Don't hate. I'm still human. Namaste. Positive thinking and positive vibes and prayer. 

Staying positive.  I get advice from my mother and she, ofcourse, says to pray.  I do pray, but I still get discouraged, I still get angry, but I still pray.  I pray that my family member will be acknowledged  and rewarded for their education, their hard work and their professionalism. I pray that what is for them, is for them and nothing and no one can stand in the way of this.  Faith in God is the only thing that I am positive about right now, there is and never was any faith in man.  Man always and continues to put you down.  Plus, staying positive is the only way to keep chronic illness  symptoms at bay.  One has to be careful that if you do not do something actively to control your level of anger and stress so that you won't exacerbate any chronic illness symptoms.  But, stress is stress, disappointment is disappointment and all you can do is recognize these feelings, sort them out...then...continue with positive thinking. 

Positive thoughts and positive vibes and ofcourse, pray, lots and lots of prayer.  One thing what I found out is that difficult times like this seperate the strong from the weak.  The faithful from the non faithful.  When life hands you disappointment, take time to acknowledge the hurt, the pain, the anger.  After acknowledging the feelings of your disappointment, choose your action.  You have two choices. You can lie down and wallow, complain and let this break you,  or you can suck it up and let this anger, this disappointment, this pain be a motivator to strive above the foolishness.  A motivator to strive to find a better place for your talents, where they are appreciated and acknowledged.  A motivator just to find a better place...period.

I am a firm believer in the old saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  It's okay to be strong, but sometimes it's okay not to be so strong.  It's okay to feel belated, to feel sad, angered or disappointed.  It's okay.  I think that's what we all need is just a place to have our feelings validated.  So, that's what I will do for my family member.  I will validate, give compassion and understanding and be beside them in whatever decision they make.  I will continue to pray for the best and place hope in God and not man.  There is nothing that I can do about how and why people think the way they do, act the way they act, or do what they do.  All I know is that my God is bigger and better than you.  

Namaste. 

Shifting Focus On Others And Not Just Ourselves

Shifting Focus 

It is really easy when you are sick and dealing daily with a chronic illness to be self focused. Okay, downright egocentric in some aspects. But this is understandable and no need for guilt for those who sit and do mental body wellness checks to make sure you are up to snuff.  But, when tragedies happen in the news and around us, it is time to shift focus to this outside of self and realize your strengths, your kindness and charitable acts.

This past July 20, 2012, James Holmes during a screening of the "Dark Knight" opened fired with his assault rifles and killed 12 people and injured 58 others.  On July 21, 2012 Tameka Raymond, the R&B Usher Raymond's ex-wife loss her 11year old son due to a jet ski accident. The list of tragedies can go on and on. But what rings true is when these tragedies strike a chord within you and you focus your thoughts, your talents, your prayers outward instead of inward.  

News of others hurting makes you realize that if you think you have it bad, there are others worse off than you.  So, I use these tragedies to keep my mind clear, and focused on things other than my own self pity.  Yes, you may be chronically ill, or having a bad day, or having a bad week, month, etc.  But, with chronic illnesses there is a time of calm when the aggressive symptoms of our illness ebbs and you start feeling your own kind of normal.  Think of the people whose normal is no more. A new normal for these individuals is what they face due to losing a loved one, or being impaired in some way after a tragedy.  

Empathy is a big word. I feel empathy for people.  Empathy keeps me humble. Empathy keeps me remembering my losses, my pains, my disappointments, so I feel for these individuals.  Empathy keeps me grounded and keeps me for being so self involved not to remember the pain and sorrow or happiness of my fellow man.   It doesn't cost anything to keep people who have suffered so in your mind, your thoughts and your prayers.  

So, as I close my thoughts are to the many, many stories of loss not mentioned.  My thoughts and prayers are with the families who have to some way, some how find the strength to carry on, which is easier said than done.  I may not have experienced your level of pain and sorrow, but I know pain and I know sorrow and my heart aches for you.  Please know, that on this day, someone is thinking of you, having compassion for you and praying for you.  

A Laugh A Day Keeps The Doctor Away!

The Healing Power of Laughter

Laughing, I am finding out is the best medicine.  I am back from vacation with my wonderful family and I just figured out what I was missing....Laughter.  There is something to the healing power of laughter.  Laughter and merriment is even in the Old Testament, with it stating, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.” What better place to get advice about laughter and merriment than the Good Book!?!

I really started looking into laughter, especially spending time with my family and just laughing.  I was startled to find out facts that I did not even know about how good laughing is on our mood and bodies.  Laughter reduces pain by producing pain killing hormones called endorphins (that's the feel good hormone in our brain).  Laughter actually strengthens the immune system by producing T-cells, interferon and immune proteins called globulins. And good ole laughter aids in decreasing stress.  When we are stressed we produce a hormone called cortisol.  Laughter significantly lowers the cortisol levels and returns your body to a more relaxed state. So, that explains the lower pain levels and the relaxation I felt spending quality time with my family.  I was feeling so good that I might have to try to bottle them up and keep them by my side.

So, I am on the quest to have a good laugh everyday.  Well, I still have a good cry daily, but now I am focusing on laughing and feeling happy.  I have increased my "Laugh Arsenal" which includes ALL of the Cosby Shows, DVD's of Everybody Loves Raymond, Everybody Hates Chris, and ofcourse, DVD's of The Kings of Comedy, which I might add is a classic, and Kevin Hart. I am ready to laugh and laugh and laugh.

There are so many ways to ease your stress and increase your laughter and learn to find the fun in your life.  Remember to learn to laugh at yourself.  Sometimes we can take ourselves much to serious....STOP! Another way to increase your laughter factor is not to take life too seriously. In all your trials and tribulations and the stressors of life, find the other, lighter side of things. It's there, all you have to do is find it. Sit back and relax and enjoy a comedy, call a friend.  Another great way to find happiness and increase your laugh factor is to spend time with children.  Kids are exhuberant and just all out fun.  They are the perfect cure for a bad mood.  

With all this being said, I wish you all the gift of laughter.  It's okay to laugh at yourself.  It's okay to giggle like a kid.  It's okay not to do anything and watch a comedy and chuckle. Sometimes as adults we forget the simpler things and our view points get a little jaded and we forget just the simple things in life.  And what is more simpler than laughing. There are just too many benefits of a good belly laugh not to just...well...laugh.  

Music To My Ears!

Music To My Ears

The Power of Music

As I sit here on this hot, muggy, steamy late June day, I am finding comfort not only in the precious air conditioner that is keeping my room cool, but joy and relaxation in the melodic melodies from my MP3 player, (and no, I do not have an Ipod).  It's amazing how the right song, at the right time can take you back to places enjoyable or sometimes a more somber time.  Few things have this power, but music, music has this power. I can remember the strains of listening to The O'Jays and Sister Sledge,Temptations and the Commodores going on trips. To this day when I hear those songs it brings back happy childhood memories of my father driving, my mother dozing and me and my brother fighting in the backseat of the car.  This is when music was music and all the songs were good on 8 track because there was no reverse, rewind or forward button. 

I have known that music is used as a type of therapy for meditation, relaxation and stress reducing.  What I didn't know was the value that music has in reducing pain, increase your IQ and relieve insomnia, also decrease depression.  All things that anyone can greatly benefit from.  This has got me thinking that the research is right on target with music.  

I did my own little research on myself.  I made columns with heart rate, pulse, blood pressure and mood.  I took these vitals and rated my mood after spending time listening to various types of music i.e. jazz, classical, hip hop, reggae, pop, classic R&B.  I have to tell you, research has it on the money.  I was calmer with lower pulse and blood pressure based on music i.e. jazz and easy listening.  I was happy with happy music, I was sad on sad songs etc.  Music fuels your soul and can shift your mood, either good or bad.  I am just focusing on keeping my mood good, lessen my depression. Maybe that will lead me to being off of antidepressants.  One can hope. 

I have decided to do music therapy on myself.  I have programmed songs from today and from yesterday. My taste is eclectic from my childhood favorites of the Commodores, the Tempting Temptations, Donna Summer, Lenny Kravitz (if you know him, please forward my information to him:0)! I have a MAJOR crush.),  Nicki Minaj,  Gym Class Heroes,  Maroon 5, to Carly Rae Jepson.  All are upbeat tunes to bump up my mood.  Later in the evening my focus turns toward my jazz and easy listening to soothe tension and ease stress and induce relaxation.  I have a lot of Kenny G and David Cos and Sade. And, I have to say, it works and it works well.  At night, I find that when I switch to my jazz and easy listening music, I am calmer and it allows me to go into rest mode easily and sleep better.  My hope is not to rely so much on my nighttime medication to control my sleep and anxiety. The music does seem to be working.  

So, I tell anyone, if you have MS or not, give music a try.  Music calms, soothes and relaxes.  My next research on myself is how music helps alleviate pain.  Will keep you posted.  But in the meantime, turn up the tunes and let the music take you away.  You'll be happy with the trip you take, I promise you. 

Meditation Is The Key!?!

Meditation Is The Key!?!

As I sit here on this hot, hazy, lazy day I am just doing...nothing!  But, that doesn't mean that I don't FEEL like I need to be doing something, anything with the kids, for myself, for my hubby.  It's this constant thinking, ruminating that my husband says has totally fried my mind.  I can't seem to calm my thoughts.  So, I am trying to get more calm, more control over my thoughts and trying to start meditation.

I realize that a calm, mind, body and spirit truly is good for the soul.  I have been reading up on chakras, recharging my system and that meditation is to be used to be more centered.  The only thing is that I must be missing meditation chip because I am having a REALLY hard time trying to meditate.  I know that meditation along with yoga is very helpful for people with MS.  I have diligently bought my yoga mat, my Denise Austin yoga tape, my REALLY comfy yoga pants and I'm trying to do this on a regular basis.  Umm, do I succeed in doing this...umm...no, but at least I am trying. Okay, so the yoga, I am learning to do. I follow the moves on the tape, getting more comfortable with the moves. One thing is that I just don't if I am doing the whole meditation thing right. Meditation is easier said than done. 

Meditation is now becoming more mainstream.  It is the calming and centering of your being for mind, body and soul. Many doctors, and therapists are now suggesting meditation being used to assist in anxiety and stress and to have a more balanced life.  I think my problem with meditation is that you have to consciously step aside a half hour and in a quiet, calm place.  Now, there is the issue.  Why do I feel guilty setting aside "me" time? What the heck is wrong with me?  And another thing, meditation means control of your thoughts, calming your thoughts.  Now, how does a naturally Type A personality calm her thoughts and her mind? That's the question. That's the crux of it all.

The one thing that I know is that you should be calming your mind, controlling your thoughts. I know the benefits of meditation for my health, for assisting better managing my anxiety and depression.  I know that meditation is healthy also in assisting in some of my MS symptoms.  But, I think I may be missing a meditation chip. It's the whole controlling my thoughts in order to relax, or even clear my mind. I have never done this before and am struggling to do so now.   I don't think I have ever had that control over my thoughts, like, ever.  This is my challenge. But, I do realize that this is not going to come easy and this is a practiced and learned art. So I am now on the path of training my mind. So, I am doing a beginners class meditation to learn this art.  So, I checked out this site: http://www.silvalifesystem.com/articles/meditation-techniques/meditation-techniques-for-beginners/.   

So as I begin my journey to meditation I am refusing to get frustrated, overwhelmed but realizing that there is an art to mediation.  So, I am up for the challenge. I am up for the positive benefits that meditation will have in my health and in my life.  This is an intriguing path.  A centered, more relaxed, assured, cohesive self.  Its a win-win.  Wish me luck.

Happy Father's Day To The First Love Of My Life!

Happy Father's Day

To The First Love 

of my

Life

Dear Daddy,

On this Father's Day I am reflecting of the life lessons that you taught me.  The love that you provided me. The nurturing that you gave me. The joy, the laughter, the heartache, the pain.  

In today's society I don't think many men realize that the bond with their female child is most precious and will shape the way that she feels about herself, her self esteem, her sense of knowing her worth.  You father should be the first love of her life.  Based on this love, it will shape her mind, her values, what she will or will not accept.  Your demeanor, your show of love and support, your love of care and nurturing will define what she will choose as a man in the later years of her life.  

I look at my childhood and appreciate and revel in the presence of my father.  My father was and still is bigger than life.  Always present, always loving, always teaching, always motivating, always smiling.  He wanted me to be independent in thinking, educated, knowing my self worth, realizing that I am somebody, and that somebody was special.  He was the first man that I fell in love with, he was my first love.  The first man who brought me joy, brought me peace, happiness, laughter.

So, I sit here today, melancholy, twinges of sadness and tears as I remember my Daddy.  My light, my rock, my foundation, my strength. But without my Daddy's presence I wouldn't have been able to be blessed with the man that is my husband. The father of my children, the man that my little girl is in love with.  With the base and foundation of my father's love, I was able to have a better definition of what a good and loving man is. I was able to go through the frogs and find a prince. Father's, do you realize how much your presence is needed for your daughter's happiness as she grows?  So to all the wonderful father's out there who are there for your daughters, making an good impact on her life, thank you.  Thank you for allowing these little girls to grow up to be confident, stable and loving women.  Thank you.  

And Daddy, thank you. I still feel your presence, and I know that you are here, my journey is not yet over, but I will soon meet you there. You are always in my heart, and always in my mind, thank you for the love you gave to me to open my eyes to see, that there is so much more in life so many treasures just for me. So, though you are not here in the physical, I feel you in my spirit, my heart, my thoughts and mind. You were the very first love that my heart was to find. 

The Battle of the Bulge...Continues. Sigh.

The Battle of the Bulge...Continues...Sigh.

If you have been reading my blog you know that according to my primary physician is that I am considered obese.  My size 12 is considered obese and I was referred to a weight management clinic per my new insurance.  What a great ego booster that was...NOT! But, I am finally acknowledging that doing the things that I need to do to keep healthy for my family has in fact made me gain weight.  And now I am finally acknowledging not only to myself but finally to my husband that my self esteem has suffered due to the extra weight, to stay healthy or not.

Ok. Since my May visit to the weight management clinic I have been watching my carbs.  I have been living off of Atkins bars, trying to walk at least 10,000 steps daily (well, I try when my MS symptoms are holding me back).  I've been trying, the scale...not moving.  Another mental crusher is a few days ago my hubby steps onto the scale to prove that "the scales are wrong".  Now, he states his weight out loud and to my dismay I weigh only 15 pounds less than my husband.  Ofcourse, this happened on my birthday, so happy birthday to me as I cried at this fact.  

After a stern talking to from my husband, I had to admit that I am mentally taxed at the weight issues that I have been having.  I know that I can refuse many of the medications that cause the weight gain, but I am afraid to do that.  I look at the friends of my mother who have all refused the medications for MS symptoms and flare ups and they are all in wheelchairs. And though I know what refusing medications will do to my health, I am still resentful and at times put my health at risk so I don't have to go to the doctor and step on the scale.  How crazy is that?  I have even gotten to the point as to refuse to step on the scale because I hate the number.  

Words speak volumes.  So yes I get tired of when I hear my mother tell me that all you need to do is lose about 10lbs.  I KNOW that, and don't you think that I am trying.  I am coming to grips with the fact that years of steroid use has altered my metabolic rate. And yes, the fact that I am over 40 doesn't help either.  All I can do is what I am doing.  But, I am finding out that I have to change my thinking and change my attitude.  Maybe that's the key in losing.  Maybe my negative thinking and negative self thoughts is actually keeping the weight on me.  I think that it is.  Now...all I have to do is undo the negative thinking and feelings of the past six years, and realize that this is going to be an uphill battle.  An uphill battle that some days I feel like I can conquer and other days, when I feel that it is defeating me.  But I can tell you one thing.  If I have to eat another Atkins Bar I may throw up.  Just saying.

This obsession with the Battle of the Bulge I admit is controlling my life.  I rarely take pics. (Hubby took this pic recently while we were celebrating my daughter's 10th birthday).  My hubby states that I am missing my "swag" of years ago.  And to tell the truth, he is right.  I have got to turn my thinking around and realize that I am beautiful, that I am worthy.  That I really do need to get my "swag" back, my confidence.  Admitting that you have a problem is always the first step.  So...Hi...my name is Carla and I suffer from low self esteem. I don't feel good about myself and I have gotten too caught up in the hype of looking like I used to look. I think I'm too fat and too sick, and I beat myself up mentally everyday.  I am constantly battling the bulge and I have MS and I want my confidence back.  

I Still Look Good...

I Still Look Good!!

I have had a lot of things to accept in the past almost six years.  I have lost my sense of independency.  I have lost my father. I have lost my health.  At times it seems I have lost my mind.  I have lost at times my humor.  I have lost what I was six years before, all of that...gone.  But, why can't I accept what I have become? Maybe it's because there are people around me reminding me of what used to be.

You know those people around you, family and friends who look at you and say a compliment, but then in the next breathe take it all back.  For example, "You look good after all that you've been through.  Too bad you're not that six 6-8 you used to be!"  All top of all the things that I have lost, and there are many to be named, I think for women, losing part or all of their vanity is crushing i.e. hair loss, skin lesions, weight gain, all valid side effects of being treated for a chronic illness.

I look back at that woman of yesteryear, just a short six years ago before MS took over my life.  I was working, I was happy, I felt strong, I felt alert and I was, yes ofcourse, thinner.  Now, my life is all about acceptance.  When you have numerous things hitting you at the same time, acceptance is not the key issue that you are striving for.  What you are striving for is just survival.  Surviving the losses and trying to gain some understanding, but acceptance doesn't come easily, quickly, or ever.  

I am slowly coming out of survival mode and trying to move into acceptance mode.  But its easier said than done.  I don't want the constant focus on what used to be, let's focus on what is now. This is Carla now.  If I sound annoyed, it's because I am.  I am annoyed that I am constantly thought of as how I used to be, how I used to look six years ago. I'm tired of people saying what I should be doing to keep my husband happy with regards to my looks etc.  Leave me the hell alone.  Right before my Daddy died, I was on heavy doses of steroids and I was starting to gain weight.  I talked to Daddy about my concerns.  He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Do they make clothes your size?"  I said yes.  He said, "Well, what are you worried about? You do what you have to do to be here to take care of my grandchildren. "  So, that's what I have been doing.  I have been taking the medication, I have been taking the steroids to be an "active" part of my children's life.  Yes, I've seen my thin MS counterparts, who refused to take steroids, refused treatment because they didn't want to gain weight.  You know what? They are all in wheelchairs.  Some are in a paralytic state.  And for what? Just to be thin!?! How ridiculous! And I thought I was vain having canes in all colors to match my outfit.  

Have I totally accepted my current state? Heck no, and probably won't, but life goes on. And you know, I may not be that size 6-8 I was "back in the day", but I can still get around on my own.  I only use a cane. I can move all my limbs.  I am not in a wheelchair.  I can do things by myself.  I can be a mom to my kids. I can be a wife to my husband.  So, if me being on all the medication has made me this way, not my ole size 6-8...I'll take it any day! And by the way...I Still Look Good!!

Keep The Mind Active. If You Don't Use It, You'll Lose It!

Keep Your Mind Active

If You Don't Use It

You'll Lose It!

Multiple sclerosis can and does damage the nerve in your brain and your cognition will decrease. This is in a fact, but you have to find ways to keep your brain active and alert.  In MS, certain function can be more likely to be affected that others like, memory i.e. retaining and retrieving new info.  Your attention and concentration can and will become an issue.  You will have some problems processing information.  This problem is due to the damage in gathering information from your five senses.  In MS, you can have problems with planning and prioritizing and a frustrating problem in being verbally fluent or not being able to find the words to say.  I HATE this.  Ofcourse, we with MS are not stupid, we still keep our smartness, our long term memory and though we search for words our conversational skills, with consistent use, remains intake.

People with MS have to constantly keep the mind active to keep our brains active and as in peak of shape as they can be.  I have been utilizing little things to keep my mind active. Thankfully, I am a Learning Coach for my children who attend virtual schooling which aids in keeping my mind active and on top of things.  My daughter graciously gave me her "old" Nintendo DS because she received the "new" Nintendo DSi and again, graciously gave me her Big Brain Academy.  She told me that she wanted me to keep being smart! 

Another great way to keep my mind fresh and on point is to read.  I suggest E. L. James' Trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey.  If this is not up your alley, I have found a refreshing new award winning author by the name of K. L.  Brady.  One of her first books is named, "The Bum Magnet", with its follow up, "Got A Right To Be Wrong."  I even read her younger audience book, "Worst Impressions".  Now, after I finish the last trilogy of E. L. James' Fifty Shades Freed, I will be reading K. L. Brady's new book, "Soul of the Band", which is a young adult themed book.  I can't wait. I can tell you that reading is fundamental and keeps your brain active.  Please check out K. L. Brady's website for more information, http://www.authorklbrady.com/

There are other tricks of the trade to keep the mind active. Utilize crossword puzzles, word searches, nintendo games, reading, starting a blog, starting a daily journal, join a book club, enjoy a night out with your friends.  Just do anything that will keep your mind active so your deficits will be less obvious.  I have figured out that the saying is true. If you don't use it, you will lose it.  You have to keep  your mind active to attempt to keep the neurons firing and active.  Try a few of these tricks. They may be of some use to you.  Good luck.

You Get What You Pay For...

You Get What You Pay For

The Perils of Health Insurance

Last year this time seemed like a magical time for me.  I had and was still going to see my long time doctors who knew me.  I didn't have a problem getting a new prescription, a new refill and or a same day appointment. Oh how I miss those days. :(

With new management came new changes. One BIG change for our family was having to change our current health insurance. Now, don't get me wrong. We could have easily stayed with our current, wonderful health insurance...for a small fortune.  My husband and I sat up nights, talked during the days, and tried hard to figure out how to keep our current insurance.

If we had kept our current insurance, there would be a $3,500.00 fee that you pay BEFORE the insurance would kick in.  If that's not bad enough, there is a 10% fee for services, this all gets added into the total $3,500.00.  Now, here's the gist of why this was heartwrenching.  My current multiple sclerosis treatment is approximately $9,000.00 per month.  This $9,000.00 includes nurses assistance, all medical supplies and time in the infusion room and patient monitoring. The insurance is my husband's and once you figure everything out it is literally a cut in pay.  A cut in pay from your employer who hasn't given out even a standard of living raise for five years.  I couldn't and wouldn't do this to my growing family. And under great hesitance from my husband, we signed over to the new insurance.  Again, oh what joy, in my most sarcastic tone. 

Okay, the new insurance started off pretty well. There are $5.00 copays. Okay, manageable.  I was able to find a neurologist to keep the continuity of my treatment up. Okay, another plus.  I was able to link up to a primary doctor for myself. Another plus.  Even though I had just switched doctors for my children with the previous insurance, I found them another pediatrician. He was pretty cool, yet another coup for me.  But, as time goes by, my rose colored glass are turning clear and my husband and I are finding out the hard truth is that you get what you pay for.

Now, on paper, our current insurance, especially for employees, seems great.  But, gone are the doctors who know your case.  Gone are the doctors who really LISTEN.  Believe me, I know my body and my symptoms, when I say I need a script, I need a script.  I don't want a primary doctor to tell me to ride it out.  You know what riding out a sinus infection or any infection will do with a person who has multiple sclerosis and has a compromised immune system?  It causes relapses.  I ask for medications that my previous neurologist and primary doctors have had me on for years. You know why? Because...it WORKS.  But, can I get a script for that medication now with my new doctors? NO.  Their excuse is that they don't know me well enough to provide me the script.  Really? Did you read my chart? Have you spoken to my other doctors? Do you realize that I have a VERY complicated case? Unfortunately, not.  

I am stuck going back and forth, coming in for a visit that yields no answers and no relief.  The scary part is that I am left self medicating because getting a prescription for seemingly anything is impossible. I can't get a script for my fatigue medication anymore, so I am now on liquid Vitamin B12. The nerves swell in my feet, but I can't get a script for neurotin, so I am taking large doses of ibuprofen to take out the swelling of the nerves in my feet.  Anything sedating is pretty much off limits, so my sleeping problems which stem directly from my multiple sclerosis I have to buy over the counter medication for that.  When I am truly sick and need to be seen that day is not an option.  I was sick on a Thursday, pleaded for a same day appointment. I was told that those did not exist.  My appointment because my husband worked for the employer was scheduled for Tuesday of the following week.  They told me if I got worse go to the ER which is ALL the way across town.  I am so frustrated that I could just cry.  Am I grateful for health insurance. For heavens, yes. There are so many people without that I am truly grateful that I have an insurance company that will pay for my high monthly multiple sclerosis treatment.  But I wish that I had truly appreciated what I had with my previous health insurance company.  Oh how I miss them.  Like the saying goes, "You go from sugar to sh**!"

Recuperation After The Holiday

Recuperation After The Holiday

Hey all! I'm BAAACCKK!!! I took a couple of days off to prep for my out of town trip to see my family in New Jersey.  Again, what I have found out is that the prep of a trip is the hardest step. If you can see your way through this step, the rest of the trip is all down hill. And, trying not to do too much and pacing yourself during your trip is a good idea also.  But, don't worry, I didn't follow my own advice with pacing myself and not overdoing it.  How could I!?! I was excited to have my children see their uncle who is a DOTA (Documented Original Tuskegee Airmen).  He is walking history! So, yes the excitement superseded my plans to just cruise through the trip.  Oh well.  

In retrospect, I knew when and how we were living, and I should have planned better. That is the key.  I really have to do prep better and over a longer period of time.  My advice to any person out there that is suffering/living with a chronic illness and planning vacations a longer prep time for the trip is a necessity.  Please give yourself at least two weeks prep, or pack, to be ready for a vacation.

Now, after the trip I am finding that being road weary is the hardest.  With multiple sclerosis, chronic fatigue is a killer.  And it is a killer after a trip.  If you are among the lucky ones still working, please come back a couple of days before going back to work in order to get your rest. This is a must.  I am now, just trying to recuperate.  

Recuperate has many meanings for many.  Recuperation for MS people is bed rest, bed rest, bed rest.  Keep up your regular scheduled medications as usual. Plan a massage.  Plan a spa day, or have a friend or family member come over and pamper you.  If you have a regularly scheduled therapy or exercise appointment, delay it. Don't push yourself is the key word or you are setting yourself up for a relapse and high doses of IV steroids or solumedrol.  Not a good thing.  

Well, I am going to get my rest and I blog from my bed.  My family has me ordered to bed and plan on taking the computer when I stop.  Having a great and loving support system beats everything and keeps everything in perspective.  Loving support helps the fatigue and weariness go away.  Talk to you later tomorrow.  P.S. REST.