Music To My Ears!

Music To My Ears

The Power of Music

As I sit here on this hot, muggy, steamy late June day, I am finding comfort not only in the precious air conditioner that is keeping my room cool, but joy and relaxation in the melodic melodies from my MP3 player, (and no, I do not have an Ipod).  It's amazing how the right song, at the right time can take you back to places enjoyable or sometimes a more somber time.  Few things have this power, but music, music has this power. I can remember the strains of listening to The O'Jays and Sister Sledge,Temptations and the Commodores going on trips. To this day when I hear those songs it brings back happy childhood memories of my father driving, my mother dozing and me and my brother fighting in the backseat of the car.  This is when music was music and all the songs were good on 8 track because there was no reverse, rewind or forward button. 

I have known that music is used as a type of therapy for meditation, relaxation and stress reducing.  What I didn't know was the value that music has in reducing pain, increase your IQ and relieve insomnia, also decrease depression.  All things that anyone can greatly benefit from.  This has got me thinking that the research is right on target with music.  

I did my own little research on myself.  I made columns with heart rate, pulse, blood pressure and mood.  I took these vitals and rated my mood after spending time listening to various types of music i.e. jazz, classical, hip hop, reggae, pop, classic R&B.  I have to tell you, research has it on the money.  I was calmer with lower pulse and blood pressure based on music i.e. jazz and easy listening.  I was happy with happy music, I was sad on sad songs etc.  Music fuels your soul and can shift your mood, either good or bad.  I am just focusing on keeping my mood good, lessen my depression. Maybe that will lead me to being off of antidepressants.  One can hope. 

I have decided to do music therapy on myself.  I have programmed songs from today and from yesterday. My taste is eclectic from my childhood favorites of the Commodores, the Tempting Temptations, Donna Summer, Lenny Kravitz (if you know him, please forward my information to him:0)! I have a MAJOR crush.),  Nicki Minaj,  Gym Class Heroes,  Maroon 5, to Carly Rae Jepson.  All are upbeat tunes to bump up my mood.  Later in the evening my focus turns toward my jazz and easy listening to soothe tension and ease stress and induce relaxation.  I have a lot of Kenny G and David Cos and Sade. And, I have to say, it works and it works well.  At night, I find that when I switch to my jazz and easy listening music, I am calmer and it allows me to go into rest mode easily and sleep better.  My hope is not to rely so much on my nighttime medication to control my sleep and anxiety. The music does seem to be working.  

So, I tell anyone, if you have MS or not, give music a try.  Music calms, soothes and relaxes.  My next research on myself is how music helps alleviate pain.  Will keep you posted.  But in the meantime, turn up the tunes and let the music take you away.  You'll be happy with the trip you take, I promise you. 

Meditation Is The Key!?!

Meditation Is The Key!?!

As I sit here on this hot, hazy, lazy day I am just doing...nothing!  But, that doesn't mean that I don't FEEL like I need to be doing something, anything with the kids, for myself, for my hubby.  It's this constant thinking, ruminating that my husband says has totally fried my mind.  I can't seem to calm my thoughts.  So, I am trying to get more calm, more control over my thoughts and trying to start meditation.

I realize that a calm, mind, body and spirit truly is good for the soul.  I have been reading up on chakras, recharging my system and that meditation is to be used to be more centered.  The only thing is that I must be missing meditation chip because I am having a REALLY hard time trying to meditate.  I know that meditation along with yoga is very helpful for people with MS.  I have diligently bought my yoga mat, my Denise Austin yoga tape, my REALLY comfy yoga pants and I'm trying to do this on a regular basis.  Umm, do I succeed in doing this...umm...no, but at least I am trying. Okay, so the yoga, I am learning to do. I follow the moves on the tape, getting more comfortable with the moves. One thing is that I just don't if I am doing the whole meditation thing right. Meditation is easier said than done. 

Meditation is now becoming more mainstream.  It is the calming and centering of your being for mind, body and soul. Many doctors, and therapists are now suggesting meditation being used to assist in anxiety and stress and to have a more balanced life.  I think my problem with meditation is that you have to consciously step aside a half hour and in a quiet, calm place.  Now, there is the issue.  Why do I feel guilty setting aside "me" time? What the heck is wrong with me?  And another thing, meditation means control of your thoughts, calming your thoughts.  Now, how does a naturally Type A personality calm her thoughts and her mind? That's the question. That's the crux of it all.

The one thing that I know is that you should be calming your mind, controlling your thoughts. I know the benefits of meditation for my health, for assisting better managing my anxiety and depression.  I know that meditation is healthy also in assisting in some of my MS symptoms.  But, I think I may be missing a meditation chip. It's the whole controlling my thoughts in order to relax, or even clear my mind. I have never done this before and am struggling to do so now.   I don't think I have ever had that control over my thoughts, like, ever.  This is my challenge. But, I do realize that this is not going to come easy and this is a practiced and learned art. So I am now on the path of training my mind. So, I am doing a beginners class meditation to learn this art.  So, I checked out this site: http://www.silvalifesystem.com/articles/meditation-techniques/meditation-techniques-for-beginners/.   

So as I begin my journey to meditation I am refusing to get frustrated, overwhelmed but realizing that there is an art to mediation.  So, I am up for the challenge. I am up for the positive benefits that meditation will have in my health and in my life.  This is an intriguing path.  A centered, more relaxed, assured, cohesive self.  Its a win-win.  Wish me luck.

Happy Father's Day To The First Love Of My Life!

Happy Father's Day

To The First Love 

of my

Life

Dear Daddy,

On this Father's Day I am reflecting of the life lessons that you taught me.  The love that you provided me. The nurturing that you gave me. The joy, the laughter, the heartache, the pain.  

In today's society I don't think many men realize that the bond with their female child is most precious and will shape the way that she feels about herself, her self esteem, her sense of knowing her worth.  You father should be the first love of her life.  Based on this love, it will shape her mind, her values, what she will or will not accept.  Your demeanor, your show of love and support, your love of care and nurturing will define what she will choose as a man in the later years of her life.  

I look at my childhood and appreciate and revel in the presence of my father.  My father was and still is bigger than life.  Always present, always loving, always teaching, always motivating, always smiling.  He wanted me to be independent in thinking, educated, knowing my self worth, realizing that I am somebody, and that somebody was special.  He was the first man that I fell in love with, he was my first love.  The first man who brought me joy, brought me peace, happiness, laughter.

So, I sit here today, melancholy, twinges of sadness and tears as I remember my Daddy.  My light, my rock, my foundation, my strength. But without my Daddy's presence I wouldn't have been able to be blessed with the man that is my husband. The father of my children, the man that my little girl is in love with.  With the base and foundation of my father's love, I was able to have a better definition of what a good and loving man is. I was able to go through the frogs and find a prince. Father's, do you realize how much your presence is needed for your daughter's happiness as she grows?  So to all the wonderful father's out there who are there for your daughters, making an good impact on her life, thank you.  Thank you for allowing these little girls to grow up to be confident, stable and loving women.  Thank you.  

And Daddy, thank you. I still feel your presence, and I know that you are here, my journey is not yet over, but I will soon meet you there. You are always in my heart, and always in my mind, thank you for the love you gave to me to open my eyes to see, that there is so much more in life so many treasures just for me. So, though you are not here in the physical, I feel you in my spirit, my heart, my thoughts and mind. You were the very first love that my heart was to find. 

The Battle of the Bulge...Continues. Sigh.

The Battle of the Bulge...Continues...Sigh.

If you have been reading my blog you know that according to my primary physician is that I am considered obese.  My size 12 is considered obese and I was referred to a weight management clinic per my new insurance.  What a great ego booster that was...NOT! But, I am finally acknowledging that doing the things that I need to do to keep healthy for my family has in fact made me gain weight.  And now I am finally acknowledging not only to myself but finally to my husband that my self esteem has suffered due to the extra weight, to stay healthy or not.

Ok. Since my May visit to the weight management clinic I have been watching my carbs.  I have been living off of Atkins bars, trying to walk at least 10,000 steps daily (well, I try when my MS symptoms are holding me back).  I've been trying, the scale...not moving.  Another mental crusher is a few days ago my hubby steps onto the scale to prove that "the scales are wrong".  Now, he states his weight out loud and to my dismay I weigh only 15 pounds less than my husband.  Ofcourse, this happened on my birthday, so happy birthday to me as I cried at this fact.  

After a stern talking to from my husband, I had to admit that I am mentally taxed at the weight issues that I have been having.  I know that I can refuse many of the medications that cause the weight gain, but I am afraid to do that.  I look at the friends of my mother who have all refused the medications for MS symptoms and flare ups and they are all in wheelchairs. And though I know what refusing medications will do to my health, I am still resentful and at times put my health at risk so I don't have to go to the doctor and step on the scale.  How crazy is that?  I have even gotten to the point as to refuse to step on the scale because I hate the number.  

Words speak volumes.  So yes I get tired of when I hear my mother tell me that all you need to do is lose about 10lbs.  I KNOW that, and don't you think that I am trying.  I am coming to grips with the fact that years of steroid use has altered my metabolic rate. And yes, the fact that I am over 40 doesn't help either.  All I can do is what I am doing.  But, I am finding out that I have to change my thinking and change my attitude.  Maybe that's the key in losing.  Maybe my negative thinking and negative self thoughts is actually keeping the weight on me.  I think that it is.  Now...all I have to do is undo the negative thinking and feelings of the past six years, and realize that this is going to be an uphill battle.  An uphill battle that some days I feel like I can conquer and other days, when I feel that it is defeating me.  But I can tell you one thing.  If I have to eat another Atkins Bar I may throw up.  Just saying.

This obsession with the Battle of the Bulge I admit is controlling my life.  I rarely take pics. (Hubby took this pic recently while we were celebrating my daughter's 10th birthday).  My hubby states that I am missing my "swag" of years ago.  And to tell the truth, he is right.  I have got to turn my thinking around and realize that I am beautiful, that I am worthy.  That I really do need to get my "swag" back, my confidence.  Admitting that you have a problem is always the first step.  So...Hi...my name is Carla and I suffer from low self esteem. I don't feel good about myself and I have gotten too caught up in the hype of looking like I used to look. I think I'm too fat and too sick, and I beat myself up mentally everyday.  I am constantly battling the bulge and I have MS and I want my confidence back.  

I Still Look Good...

I Still Look Good!!

I have had a lot of things to accept in the past almost six years.  I have lost my sense of independency.  I have lost my father. I have lost my health.  At times it seems I have lost my mind.  I have lost at times my humor.  I have lost what I was six years before, all of that...gone.  But, why can't I accept what I have become? Maybe it's because there are people around me reminding me of what used to be.

You know those people around you, family and friends who look at you and say a compliment, but then in the next breathe take it all back.  For example, "You look good after all that you've been through.  Too bad you're not that six 6-8 you used to be!"  All top of all the things that I have lost, and there are many to be named, I think for women, losing part or all of their vanity is crushing i.e. hair loss, skin lesions, weight gain, all valid side effects of being treated for a chronic illness.

I look back at that woman of yesteryear, just a short six years ago before MS took over my life.  I was working, I was happy, I felt strong, I felt alert and I was, yes ofcourse, thinner.  Now, my life is all about acceptance.  When you have numerous things hitting you at the same time, acceptance is not the key issue that you are striving for.  What you are striving for is just survival.  Surviving the losses and trying to gain some understanding, but acceptance doesn't come easily, quickly, or ever.  

I am slowly coming out of survival mode and trying to move into acceptance mode.  But its easier said than done.  I don't want the constant focus on what used to be, let's focus on what is now. This is Carla now.  If I sound annoyed, it's because I am.  I am annoyed that I am constantly thought of as how I used to be, how I used to look six years ago. I'm tired of people saying what I should be doing to keep my husband happy with regards to my looks etc.  Leave me the hell alone.  Right before my Daddy died, I was on heavy doses of steroids and I was starting to gain weight.  I talked to Daddy about my concerns.  He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Do they make clothes your size?"  I said yes.  He said, "Well, what are you worried about? You do what you have to do to be here to take care of my grandchildren. "  So, that's what I have been doing.  I have been taking the medication, I have been taking the steroids to be an "active" part of my children's life.  Yes, I've seen my thin MS counterparts, who refused to take steroids, refused treatment because they didn't want to gain weight.  You know what? They are all in wheelchairs.  Some are in a paralytic state.  And for what? Just to be thin!?! How ridiculous! And I thought I was vain having canes in all colors to match my outfit.  

Have I totally accepted my current state? Heck no, and probably won't, but life goes on. And you know, I may not be that size 6-8 I was "back in the day", but I can still get around on my own.  I only use a cane. I can move all my limbs.  I am not in a wheelchair.  I can do things by myself.  I can be a mom to my kids. I can be a wife to my husband.  So, if me being on all the medication has made me this way, not my ole size 6-8...I'll take it any day! And by the way...I Still Look Good!!

Keep The Mind Active. If You Don't Use It, You'll Lose It!

Keep Your Mind Active

If You Don't Use It

You'll Lose It!

Multiple sclerosis can and does damage the nerve in your brain and your cognition will decrease. This is in a fact, but you have to find ways to keep your brain active and alert.  In MS, certain function can be more likely to be affected that others like, memory i.e. retaining and retrieving new info.  Your attention and concentration can and will become an issue.  You will have some problems processing information.  This problem is due to the damage in gathering information from your five senses.  In MS, you can have problems with planning and prioritizing and a frustrating problem in being verbally fluent or not being able to find the words to say.  I HATE this.  Ofcourse, we with MS are not stupid, we still keep our smartness, our long term memory and though we search for words our conversational skills, with consistent use, remains intake.

People with MS have to constantly keep the mind active to keep our brains active and as in peak of shape as they can be.  I have been utilizing little things to keep my mind active. Thankfully, I am a Learning Coach for my children who attend virtual schooling which aids in keeping my mind active and on top of things.  My daughter graciously gave me her "old" Nintendo DS because she received the "new" Nintendo DSi and again, graciously gave me her Big Brain Academy.  She told me that she wanted me to keep being smart! 

Another great way to keep my mind fresh and on point is to read.  I suggest E. L. James' Trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey.  If this is not up your alley, I have found a refreshing new award winning author by the name of K. L.  Brady.  One of her first books is named, "The Bum Magnet", with its follow up, "Got A Right To Be Wrong."  I even read her younger audience book, "Worst Impressions".  Now, after I finish the last trilogy of E. L. James' Fifty Shades Freed, I will be reading K. L. Brady's new book, "Soul of the Band", which is a young adult themed book.  I can't wait. I can tell you that reading is fundamental and keeps your brain active.  Please check out K. L. Brady's website for more information, http://www.authorklbrady.com/

There are other tricks of the trade to keep the mind active. Utilize crossword puzzles, word searches, nintendo games, reading, starting a blog, starting a daily journal, join a book club, enjoy a night out with your friends.  Just do anything that will keep your mind active so your deficits will be less obvious.  I have figured out that the saying is true. If you don't use it, you will lose it.  You have to keep  your mind active to attempt to keep the neurons firing and active.  Try a few of these tricks. They may be of some use to you.  Good luck.