How Sad I Am

Did you know that clinical depression, the most serious form of depression is more prevalent in patients with MS? Well, it's true and I am one of the lucky ones, or should I say, unlucky ones that was/is diagnosed with clinical depression.  In MS there are so many chemical imbalances happening, we are more disabled than others, we are more reactive to situations due to our MS, and MS damages the myelin sheath or protective covering of the nerve in the brain.  When this is damaged behavioral changes can and do occur.

I do know that my clinical depression is something that I deal with daily, as I am sure that other with MS and clinical depression do as well.  Clinical depression is like a gray figure that follow you, hovers by you, wants to be as one with you, and embody you.  It wants to be your friend, but it is not.  It is a force that makes dealing with everyday normal stressors even more difficult, more annoying, more irritating. I am more fatigued, if that is even possible, I am so guilty because I don't feel like I am being a good mom, or wife. 

 Due to the MS, I normally do not sleep, but with my clinical depression, sometimes I have to ask, "What is a good nights sleep?" It is what it is.  I have tried a plethora of antidepressants.  The one I am currently on now is okay, but only because I take twice the dosage that was prescribed. (Note to self: speak to primary care doctor about increasing dosage of antidepressant.) Again, it is what it is.

It's Getting Hot In Here!

I have to tell you something right now, MS and heat really doesn't mix too well. Although people are excite about the warmer weather, I myself dread the warm, warmer and down right hot weather.  Many people of MS, like myself, suffer from Uhthoff's sign.  This is when your vision is blurred due to becoming overheated. It's temporary, but not very fun.  Ofcourse the problems with heat is all because there is little myelin on the nerve to conduct or allow electrical impulses.  All that means is that it is really easy to get overheated and feel just darn miserable.  

To combat the heat there are many little tricks of the trade.  I have to stay in the air conditioning, drink cold water, use of cooling neck wraps and bandanas, and wear light, loose clothing. Go to www.miracool.com for neckties, bandanas, cool vests, or better yet, you can go to www.polarproducts.com  If you purchase from this site 25% goes to the MS society. A win, win.   These tricks help, even though they are a bone of contention when I am around relatives and they are shivering and I am just divine. Sorry family, love you though. 

A Handy Cooling Neck Tie

I Know It, I Know It...I Don't Know It

MS is a very sneaky, pain in the butt chronic disease.  I have to remind myself that I am educated.  I have a couple of degrees, so I don't think I would call myself stupid.  But with MS, that is all slowly changing.  The more advanced this disease becomes, the more it eats away at my cognitive abilities. It is so frustrating that words fail me. Concepts that I know I know seem to elude me and get harder and harder to pull up.  MS has affected my word finding, so much so that I need my family to help me fill in the blank.  I mean, I know the word, but it just escapes me. 

I've also noticed that my memory i.e. acquiring, retaining, and retrieving new information is a problem.  I try very hard to keep my brain together. Well, the only thing that I am doing is Big Brain Academy on an old Nintendo DS that my daughter gave me after she received the New Nintendo DSi.  But hey, hand me downs are good, and this game is good for the brain.  It has to remain active. 

There are so many things to this cognitive problems that just grates.  My visual perception sucks, my conversational skills are lacking, ofcourse, due to word fluency and trying to find the word that again I know I know. My long term memory is taking a hit, so I find myself reviewing pictures constantly to jar my  long term memory. And for the time being it seems to be working. Oh yeah, reading comprehension.  I love to read. But, I am finding out that I have to reread some paragraphs to get the true understanding of what the author is trying to convey.  So, I usually stick with really easy breezy reads.  With that being said, I still have to study for continuing education units is quite a struggle.  I am determined to keep my license for being a social worker.  I worked hard at getting that license and I am keeping it.  Plus, I'm still holding onto the hope of working again.  Though, sadly, my body has other plans.

At least my problems with my cognitive skills is a running joke in my household. You know, sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.  My son laughs when we clean the kitchen and he is putting up the food and I tell him don't forget to put the food in the garage.  He laughs and says, "I know you meant the fridge Mom, it's okay."  I have to write list on my Blackberry, then I forget to look at my Blackberry.  I think I may have to update my phone to ping/bing or do something to alert me that I need to be doing something or going somewhere.  Daily routines do suffer.  I am great at covering up, or either my family just chooses to ignore the fact that I, who used to be Super Mom, has lost some of her luster.  MS has become my kryptonite.

There Has To Be Another Word For Fatigue

There is fatigue, and then there is MS fatigue.  MS fatigue is just a totally different beast.  And the problem with fatigue is that it's all day, everyday.  I pray each morning as I lie in bed to just give me the strength for the day.  See, that's the thing with MS, the unpredictability of the disease.  There are days when it is tolerable, but then there are the days when I often think, how in the world and I going to make it through this day.  I would love to make plans with my friends over the next couple of days, and I do.  Then the day comes and I can barely get out of the bed, I can barely function.  This ofcourse, leads to me cancelling out on my friends. This, unfortunately, leads to isolation.  MS and its unpredictability and extreme fatigue leads to isolation.  This will be discussed in detail later on.  It's a sad thing.  

The MS fatigue is like dragging weights around your neck, your body, and your legs. It is unrelenting, never ceasing, and daily.  Again, sometimes the weights are bearable, but with the progression of my disease, the weights are getting heavier and heavier with each passing day.  But, MS or not, life has to go on.  I am still a mother, a wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt and sister and daughter in law.  Life must go on, no matter what the fatigue.  Most days all you can say is, "Lord help me."

Weight Gain and MS

Okay, I'm obese. Well, according to my doctor's lovely chart, I'm obese.  I was recently invited, well, no told, to visit a weight management clinic.  New medical insurance, new rules.  So when in Rome blah, blah, blah. Now, mind you, I have never had issues with my weight until 2006.  The year 2006 was a really bad year for me.  My father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and I didn't want to live if he wasn't going to be here.  So, I gave up, hoping the MS would take over and just take me home.  With that being said, my MS progressed rapidly and I was on oral steroids and intravenous steroids roughly once every three months.  And I was on the regimen for roughly four and a half years.  My grief had taken over, but, for some reason, God kept waking me up and making me fight.  

Now, the side effects of steroids are truly terrible.  Steroids cause difficulty in sleeping, increased appetite, anxiety, heart racing, nervousness, increased sweating, mood swings and water retention. Now ofcourse with the concentrated or intravenous steroids, solumedrol, the side effects are increased.  Steroids also alter your metabolic rate.  This metabolic rate does not reset itself for six months after you are OFF of steroids.  Now, in my case, my metabolic rate and body never readjusted itself because every three months I was on oral and intravenous steroids.  So, there the ruse.

So, I say that because due to all the steroids that was keeping me alive, trying to stave on the progressing MS, (which now I am secondary progressive), I am the first time in my life considered obese.  This term means that my BMI is over 30, 32.1 to be exact.  Now, my new health insurance wants to stop this before it gets worse. That I understand. With obesity comes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc., which all cost the insurance company more money.  So, when they see an opportunity to nip things in the bud, they go all out.  

So, I have seen my weight management doctor.  He kind of gave me a look like, "What the hell are you doing here?", but continued with his presentation.  He totally finally heard the struggles that I have been going through since the passing of my Daddy and the reason for the weight gain.  I mean, it's not like I was just pigging out all day everyday! I mean, come on.!! He said that what I was eating was okay, just needed to be tweaked, but let me know that he expected weight loss.  Well, heck, so do I!  So, I have been on my weight management new eating regimen.  I am watching my carb grams, making sure they are well below 60 grams.  I have to tell you, I thought MS makes you weak.  MS, plus hardly any or no bread, pasta, rice and sugar  equals Carla about to pass the hell out. But, it's all for a good cause.  I am also helping my little girl lose a few pounds.  Her weight is over what it should be, so she eats what Mommy eats, or doesn't each.  However way you look at it.  I expect big things.  I just don't expect any energy.  Oh, well.  I will keep you all posted.