"I Just, Can't"
It has been a bit since I have been writing on my blog. I have been on a couple of vacations, dealing with the heat and, ugh, the humidity and most recently a flare-up of my MS that just won't go away. Dang It! But, in the end I just had to say, "I Just Can't"! I know that this is so self defeating, but sometimes, maybe it's only me, but there are days where "I Just Can't". It's not because I don't want to, it's just...ugh. But is this statement a bad thing!?!
My mother comes from the generation where a person NEVER, EVER states that they can't do something. And for a very long time, I felt the same way. I never said I couldn't do something. I never said that this task was too much, too overwhelming, too energy sucking, too mentally draining, too physically draining... But, now I have gotten to the point in my life and the progression of my disease that I realize that saying that, "I Just, Can't" is really not a bad thing. One has to stop looking at the phrase, "I Just, Can't" as to one delving into self pity, or giving into weakness. The phrase, "I Just, Can't" is just honest and straightforward. If a person ever uses this phrase with you, don't take it as a weakness of the person saying it, but take it as a person who knows and understands his/her limits and is okay with acknowledging them. Aloud. Ahh, if others could be so lucky as to realize that you are not Superwoman, or Superman, that the world will continue to spin and things will get done without your input. Kind of a scary thing huh!?!
When I say to people, "I Just, Can't" make plans with you next week, it does not mean that I NEVER want to see you, or you are getting on my nerves. To the contrary. "I Just, Can't" make plans in the future because I never have any indication of how I will be feeling from day to day. So if I have no idea how I will be feeling tomorrow, how can I make plans to go out with you next week!? "I Just, Can't" I still love you, but...
When I have been in situations where I am not liked, and or welcomed and struggled to make a breakthrough, years before, I fought, I struggled to make people see that I was an okay kind of person. But, as my disease has progressed, things that are endless, senseless, energy sucking, mentally draining is...ugh.."I Just, Can't." "I Just, Can't" put myself in situations where I am constantly going uphill. "I Just, Can't" be bothered any longer. It's not that the wish is no longer there, or the determination is lacking, but it is the fact that with my disease, I no longer have the energy, either mentally or physically to be bothered. My concern is taking care of my health, my family who loves me, my friends who accept me. So, no, "I Just, Can't." "I Just, Can't" be bothered anymore. Ugh.
When my friends call and I end the call in a half an hour, do not be upset. It's that "I Just, Can't." I wish I were the woman of yesteryear, early, early in my disease, where talking for long stints on the phone were just, awesome. Now, talking, really for more than fifteen minutes is just too taxing and I talk for a half an hour because I am being nice. But to be truthfully honest, I am exhausted every waking moment of every waking day. This is no reflection on how I feel about you, and not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just I just don't have the mental energy to expend. I'm sorry. "I Just, Can't."
When I make plans with you, then call you to cancel, please do not be upset. It's just that, "I Just, Can't." Gee, I have so many great intentions that get lost in the MS translation of my reality. If I told you that I could come over to your house, and tell you that I just need to rest, please do not be upset. If I tell you to please come over my house instead, please know that on any given day driving is..."I Just, Can't."
When my children ask me to go on a field trip and, I yet again, have to disappoint them, don't think that this doesn't break my heart. It's, "I Just, Can't." I want nothing but the best for my children. I want them to experience any and all things and sometimes I can pull it together and go. But, there are other times where, "I Just, Can't."
So, I am proud now that I can say, "I Just, Can't." For many years after my diagnosis, I pushed, and pushed, until I fell down. Now, I am a older, wiser. I know and understand my weaknesses, and saying, "I Just, Can't" is not bad thing.
