I Still Look Good...

I Still Look Good!!

I have had a lot of things to accept in the past almost six years.  I have lost my sense of independency.  I have lost my father. I have lost my health.  At times it seems I have lost my mind.  I have lost at times my humor.  I have lost what I was six years before, all of that...gone.  But, why can't I accept what I have become? Maybe it's because there are people around me reminding me of what used to be.

You know those people around you, family and friends who look at you and say a compliment, but then in the next breathe take it all back.  For example, "You look good after all that you've been through.  Too bad you're not that six 6-8 you used to be!"  All top of all the things that I have lost, and there are many to be named, I think for women, losing part or all of their vanity is crushing i.e. hair loss, skin lesions, weight gain, all valid side effects of being treated for a chronic illness.

I look back at that woman of yesteryear, just a short six years ago before MS took over my life.  I was working, I was happy, I felt strong, I felt alert and I was, yes ofcourse, thinner.  Now, my life is all about acceptance.  When you have numerous things hitting you at the same time, acceptance is not the key issue that you are striving for.  What you are striving for is just survival.  Surviving the losses and trying to gain some understanding, but acceptance doesn't come easily, quickly, or ever.  

I am slowly coming out of survival mode and trying to move into acceptance mode.  But its easier said than done.  I don't want the constant focus on what used to be, let's focus on what is now. This is Carla now.  If I sound annoyed, it's because I am.  I am annoyed that I am constantly thought of as how I used to be, how I used to look six years ago. I'm tired of people saying what I should be doing to keep my husband happy with regards to my looks etc.  Leave me the hell alone.  Right before my Daddy died, I was on heavy doses of steroids and I was starting to gain weight.  I talked to Daddy about my concerns.  He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Do they make clothes your size?"  I said yes.  He said, "Well, what are you worried about? You do what you have to do to be here to take care of my grandchildren. "  So, that's what I have been doing.  I have been taking the medication, I have been taking the steroids to be an "active" part of my children's life.  Yes, I've seen my thin MS counterparts, who refused to take steroids, refused treatment because they didn't want to gain weight.  You know what? They are all in wheelchairs.  Some are in a paralytic state.  And for what? Just to be thin!?! How ridiculous! And I thought I was vain having canes in all colors to match my outfit.  

Have I totally accepted my current state? Heck no, and probably won't, but life goes on. And you know, I may not be that size 6-8 I was "back in the day", but I can still get around on my own.  I only use a cane. I can move all my limbs.  I am not in a wheelchair.  I can do things by myself.  I can be a mom to my kids. I can be a wife to my husband.  So, if me being on all the medication has made me this way, not my ole size 6-8...I'll take it any day! And by the way...I Still Look Good!!