You Look Like The Picture Of Health!

You Look Like The Picture Of 

Health

I get up daily, thanking God for another day. And most of all, thanking him for the use of my limbs.  As a child I remember that an old mother of the church used to say this prayer when she led devotion.  I can almost hear her thanking God for waking us all up in our right minds, and the use of our limbs.  This mother of the church, with age and dementia no longer has either of these faculties.  But, I believe in mercy and faith, so I now say this prayer.

MS is such an insidious disease.  So insidious, and covert.  It is such a hidden disease that many times people see me, speak to me, ask me to do things, but when I tell them my limitations, my affliction the one phrase that I hear is, "But, you look like the picture of health."  I guess I should think of this as a compliment, but what am I supposed to look like.  I look like myself. Carla. I am up everday, shower, dress, do my hair, put on some makeup, to yes...sit in my home while my children do online schooling. I do this everyday, no matter what.  No matter the good days, no matter the string of bad days.  My father told me to always get up, fix yourself up. That's half the battle and maybe, just maybe, you'll feel better. Some days this is true, most days...it is not. 

I know people look at me and don't see my illness. And that's okay.  I don't want to be a burden to friends and not even my family.  My children, and my mother ask me daily how I am feeling. My answer is always the same.  My answer is, "I'm okay!"  I pray that one of these days I will mean it. Until that day, that is my story and I'm sticking with it.  So, no, I keep the daily ailments to myself.  I log them into my phone to remind me to discuss with my neurologist because MS is affecting my mind.  I don't tell anyone about the crippling fatigue, the numb feet, the constant MS hugs that I feel, the insistent itching at night that keeps me awake, or the deep bone itch that cannot be scratched.  I don't let them know when I run into a wall because of balance problems, I don't alert them that at times my attention span is lacking, my concentration is a problem and I am afraid of the cognitive issues of the disease.  No, I don't alert them to the constant anxiety I feel, the depression that hangs around like a old friend. No, I don't alert people to the feeling of heavy weights constantly on my legs. No, I will not tell you about my facial and hand twitching. No, all this is just for...me.

No, when people see me, they see Carla. Carla at whatever her best is that day. Carla with a smile, and easy laugh, and sitting in a chair to constantly rest her legs.  So, thank you for telling me that I look like the picture of health.  No, it's not for you to know how things really are and if I told you, would you really care? So, I will take your statement as just that, a statement and I will smile, say thank you and pray that I have the energy to get up from the chair, walk to my car and head home.

Hi, I am Carla. I have advanced stages of multiple sclerosis and people say I look like the picture of health.  But...looks can be deceiving.


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