When Steroids Bring Up Past Bulimia

When Steroids Bring Up Past Bulimia

I like many women, girls, young adults have dealt with eating issues.  My eating issues started some years ago in junior high, or middle school as it is called now.  The focus in my house was to get great grades, and, according to my perception, stay petite and cute to be a bit of a bragging banner for my mother.  Hence...the need to control not only what in my mouth, but what came out of my body. 

You see, my first recourse was not to throw up.  I couldn't really stand throwing up, so, I went for the next best thing. Or at least what I thought was the next best thing, laxatives. To this day just thinking of Correctol laxatives and seeing that pink box makes me physically ill.  You know why it makes me physically ill? Let's just say from the age of 12-26 I would go through a box of 90 Correctol laxatives in two days.  I would steal my mother's high blood pressure pills to act as a diuretic. Anything to keep me small, and petite.  My mother fought me on this when she found out, but I continued it.  It was kind of like, you control everything else in my life and you are not controlling this.  It wasn't until I was married and my husband found thirty boxes of Correctol under the bed, (my special hiding place), that I knew that I needed help.  Real help, and fast. Thank God for therapy.

I say all this because just because I have had the therapy and recognize the dangers and the long term damage that I have done to my body, those demons are still there.  And quite frankly, since I am on a steady regime of steroids, received mega doses of steroids over a three day period due to my relapse, I feel the old demons coming back to combat the side effects of the steroids which is...weight gain.  Again, it doesn't help that each and every time you go to the doctor's office you are stepping on a scale.  It doesn't help that even though you are looking and feeling pretty good about yourself your doctor still says that you have to lose weight because you are obese.  And, yes it is frustrating because these doctors who have you past history do not take the time to temper their comments or realize what harm that they are doing.  

So, what is a person to do?  I have to admit.  I have still tried to continue to diet, not a good idea with a compromised system.  I have utilized diuretics because steroids causes weight gain due to retaining fluid.  Steroids also constipates you.  So, hence not only was I dieting, but using diuretics and laxative teas.  I was thwarting my own progress because of vanity and the dread of stepping on the scale. Wow, just a sad state of affairs.

I know that I should be feeling better, but I also know that what I did in the meantime counteracted the steroids.  So, am I as far as I should be in my recovery from my relapse? No.  And it is my fault.  Though I am ashamed, I am honest.  I am now just eating correctly, not dieting, not using laxative teas, not using diuretics and you know what? I am starting to really fully feel the effects of my steroid regime.  Though, unfortunately, due to not doing what was correct in the beginning, I may be forced to go on another round of steroids.  This is the price you pay for vanity over you health.  This is a very dangerous avenue my friends and not one that you should go down.  Please consider this my cautionary tale for health and vanity.  I've got to better and I will do better.  Steroids are here to help me with my illness and what matters most is that I take this medication so I can be here and be functioning for my kids.  I am sad to say that I lost sight of that. I lost sight that my kids just want me here, able to move, laugh, talk, drive and just be mom.  So, Caleb and Kelsey, I am so sorry that my vanity and my past demons  popped up.  I will do what I have to do to be here, be a better mom, be a better person with MS.  And for all that vanity crap, it can kick rocks.