When The Weather Matches Your Mood

When The Weather Matches Your Mood

Hurricane Sandy has come, not gone, but still lingering on.  Who would have thought that the places that got hit by a hurricane would actually get hit by a hurricane.  I always just thought that that was only for my relatives living in Florida, which I always considered a place to visit and not to live. But, Hurricane Sandy surprised us all.  As we recover, rebuild, you still have to admit that whatever your circumstance during the hurricane shapes your thoughts, your mood, your sleeping patterns and your tolerance levels.  Amazing what weather can do!

I do have to admit that before the storm was brewing, my mood pretty much sucked to be truthfully honest.  I am still clawing out of a relapse.  And though after mega doses of IV and oral steroids eased and took away the more pressing symptoms of relapse, there is no antidote, no pill, no treatment for getting over the main hurdle of being totally, mind numbing, body aching exhausted.  I keep hearing my husband, mother and friends tell me that they can see a positive change in me.  That I don't look quite as exhausted before, and all I can think of is telling them to just shut up and keep it moving.  

At times like this, at times like this, I just want it to be over.  I am tired of the doctors, I am definitely tired of the new insurance that I have to jump through hoops for, I am tired of being exhausted but the MS won't allow me to sleep, I am tired of hearing doctors give me steroids, then tell me that I am obese, I am tired of the constant pain, I am tired of monthly treatments and weigh ins, I am tired of hearing you need to do so much cardio, but no one takes into consideration that some days walking is a gift, not a given. I am tired of when I am feeling down, and have been for quite a while all the perky sayings are annoying.  You know what? How about allowing me to wallow a bit.  Oh yeah, I forgot, that makes people uncomfortable to be in on someone else's pain so they want to candy coat it.  Sorry, I cannot candy coat stuff anymore, I am tired. Just tired, tired, tired.  

So as I look outside to the debris in our yard, and in our front yard and on our street, I can empathize.  I feel like the chaoticness that is around me.  I see the rain and feel the clouds feel my pain and are crying for me and with me.  I would love for someone to validate me, actually hear my pain, maybe shed a tear with me.  I know to read the Bible, you do not have to remind me to do this.  I know God is healing me, will heal me, but guess what? I have felt like crap for going on two months.  Yes, God is seeing me through, but Lord, I need a break in such a big way it is not even funny.  

So my prayer is that, just hear me, just let me feel, just let me cry, just let me wallow for bit if you will. I am sorry I am not Sally Sunshine.  Today I am sad, today I hurt, today I feel guilt because I look at my kids and know they deserve more.  I hate questioning if they would be better off without me, but I know that is false and something that the devil wants me to think, so he can just kick rocks.  In other words, sometimes...just let me have my pity party.  Maybe if I was allowed to have one, or two, or three before, I may feel better today.  As for now....I am so tired, so tired, so, so tired. But, I have miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.